When I was a child, I had this speech impairment for which I do not know the exact medical term if there even is a medical term for it. It would cause me to mispronounce words and blurt out weird noises instead of definitive words. I would know the meaning of the word and how it should be pronounced in my mind but I just couldn’t pronounce it so. And alongside my speech impairment, I had so many people including some friends who would laugh so hard at it that their laughter would echo in my soul for weeks. I would stand still, tears in my eyes, my fists clenched and wait for everyone to stop laughing. And this picture of me is the clearest of all the images in my mind.
I remember fighting with my mom about not wanting to go to school and I remember her clasping me tight in her arms and speaking against her fears and doubts that it won’t last forever. And I remember facing all that humiliation all over again in school every day until one day I decided to use it to my strength rather than letting it devour me. Instead of keeping silent, I began to speak more and at first it did increase the laughter but as I repeated the words again and again, I could hear the word more clearly. That’s the first time I sensed that I was succeeding and felt that maybe I could win it after all. And I eventually did.
This is probably the most painful memory of my childhood but it’s also one that I am proud of. It’s been years now but even today I can remember exactly how I felt then. Even today I can hear all the laughter and feel the humiliation and the resentment that build in me. So when my childhood friends or teachers speak of this today, I momentarily freeze from the flashbacks of all those terrible memories but I shrug them off and smile. And I am so proud that I can smile, that now when I check into my soul there are no fresh wounds and I am no longer ashamed of the scars for they are the testimony of my victory.
I hold this experience as a lesson I learnt and want to teach that there are and will always be people who will stand up in front of your face against you who will point out your flaws and probably use it to break you down. Their voices will ring out and they will highlight your flaws but their voices cannot subdue your voice if you don’t let them and they cannot use your flaws to diminish you if you accept those flaws yourself and decorate them. Fight because no one can bring you down to your knees if you resist and fight because no one else can save you but yourself. I cannot guarantee that it won’t hurt if you fight back because it will. You will always remember what it felt like, you will always remember the smell of the blood smeared against you soul but I promise you it won’t always hurt, the bleeding will eventually stop, the blood will dry and finally when it’s all over and you look back, you will proud of that all of this happened and you survived all of that.
