Sound?sound fascinates me. It makes me feel--calm, anxious, worried, and sometimes, crazy. But, never angry.

The first time I noticed sounds around me was when I was a baby in the crib. The leaves of the cherry tree out side my window whispered to me. When I cried to be picked up at night, I heard angry sounds--my parents fighting. The flower vase crashing onto the wall and breaking into pieces that sprayed into my crib. Then, I'd hear my own scream penetrate the night. I'd pause for a moment just to hear the lack of sound which I?d then break with another piercing scream. My parents seldom interrupted their own noise to pick me up. As I exhaust my lungs I'd hear another rhythm rising out of my baby chest. Yes, I listened to the sounds of my own heartbeat that raced through the pitch blackness of my crib. My heartbeats gave me a steady momentum. It was the only thing I could count on among all my erratic movements: chubby, flailing arms that waved like antennas of a sea anemone--arms, which often boxed me with clenched fists. Fat legs that kicked in protest desiring to run away from those angry sounds at night. But, it was the whispers of leaves which wafted into my crib through the open window that lulled me to sleep. Even the humidity of my room did not disturb me as I lay in sweat soaked blankets.

They told my mother that I was different. I was slow, slower than children of my age. I am five years old. The "test lady" told my mother that I was a three-year old inside my five year old body. I know it's not true because I am smarter than my three-year-old baby sister, Maggie. No one knows this. Although, she did show me how to button up my shirt straight up the front of my belly, right up to my throat. I have fat fingers that act like melting butter. I can?t hold pencils, crayons or buttons "correctly". My mother told me I needed to hold tight until I'd get a good "correct" grip. I don?t know what that means.

Color dominates my actions. Red paint, red nail polish, red cloth, red crayons and even red lipstick make me react. My mother smacked me for eating her red and orange lipsticks. My teacher punished me for biting bits off the red crayons she had sorted for the children to draw a sunset with. The "talking lady" told my mother that I was "oral" and that I would outgrow it. But she does not know me. She does not know the power "red" has over me. She has not seen me jab my finger with a paper clip until red oozes out. A slow trickle, first and then a welling of red--bright- ruby- red, pigeon-blood- red as it runs over the dent of the jab. While I watch, the first drop falls in slow motion as it splatters onto the concrete in a perfect circle with jagged edges. Almost like a small setting sun. Through practice I have learned that the angle of my wounded finger makes the splash a circle or even an oval like a rain drop. "Oval" is the shape I learned in school. Oval rain drops, oval tears, and oval blood drops. Then, with a small stick, I trace red shapes and stick figures of my mother, baby Maggie and me. I know I can hold a paper clip correctly when I draw red. But, I don?t draw my father.

...............To be continued

I truly enjoyed your work, Sitara. In fact, it touched me to my core. My cousin is one of those special kids. They are so easy to please and seem to sense more than we think they do.He is a teenager now and is getting to be a handful; i read to him and play his favourite game of hide and seek.. he always hides in the same place and we have to make a huge show of looking for him... even in the teapot! He's a darling. This article actually reminds me to take some time off and see him, for he adores visitors. Great work! :)

Gone with the wind...

A very cautious indeed, my dear SITARA, one ought to be if I may, especially when attending to such delicate matters with the gentle sex lest they take him, on their slight acquaintance, to be an ill-tempered man! (Wait a minute, was I just reading Jane Austen or what?) :):)

This side of the pond appears to be a little shallow for yours truly! The sole reason for his wading through it now. The idea of treading further on deep towards its dredge would therefore be pure idiocy if anything, well unless he has the full range of scuba diving kit/gear handy! It's a lot murkier down there, mind you! :)

No, I have not read the old Cantabian's new book ' Shalimar the Clown'. Have you? Any good? Oh btw, read your review of the Naipaul book. Riveting. I seem to be missing interesting threads. Always. Oh, btw, recently read two illuminating pieces: 'Vermillion' and 'The Meat on Phat'. Forgot who wrote these - you might perhaps know who? :):)
I am currently re-reading my fav chapters from Alain De Botton's 'The Art of Travel'. Lovely. Oh, can I recommend one British author to you if you'll: Zadie Smith. It is hers and Louis De Berniers's writing that I follow most. I don't know if you have read them - both Cantabians. The latter was apparently in Sandhurst as a student but dropped out after a few months. The former was a Radcliff fellow at Harvard until last year, I think. Her 'White Teeth' is an edifying read. Berniers's 'Captain Correli's Mandolin' is also cracking - you must have seen the film. Penelope Cruze is lovely.

Enough for one post. Have a good day.
Carpe diem

Morning Sitara Mama,
Just woke up. I made tea. Nobody here. My mother used to make tea back home. Here, I have to do everything myself. I am still learning.......
Ta Mama, I hope to read more novel from you. I remember back home, after coming to Kathmandu for the college, I used to sneak to the main Rastriya Shava Griha just to listen poems and stories from the prominent personalies as well as students from the various colleges. The gate keeper was so nice that he let me go inside. He caucaused me not to pass the line of the last seat otherwise he will get into trouble. .....

Lalupathey, did you change your pampers/nappies yourself though?
Novel? Shouldn't you be reading the rhyme books instead? Here we go - Humpty dumpty sat on the wall.......

:)

Sandhurst mama,
I was made to read and memoriese those Englsh Humky Dumky.......I used whenever teacher opned the book on Humky.... Outside of the school at home, when my mother sang Gham pani, Gham Pani.....to my sister, that time, how much I enjoyed.........

:)) Lalupathey Bhanja, morning. :) You seem to be in a very cheery-churpy mood. Have a good day.

Scarlett;
Thanks for your comments. Your relationship with your cousin seems special; thank you for sharing.

Sandhurst; Whoops! digging up old bones are we? Well, I am flattered, indeed.

As for the old Cantabian's novel, I just got my hands on "Shalimar the Clown". My "to read" books have physically piled up and pose as booby trip traps to an absentminded me. Now I have more names to add to my list. Thanks for the heads up on Zadie Smith and Louis De Berniers. Will actively seek them out since you recommend them.

Isn't Penelope Cruz lovely? Esp. in "Woman On Top"! :)


Lalupathey; Good morning! I see you have a love for reading given your escapades to Rashtriya Sabha griha.
Well, I have a good mind to send you a book of Dr. Seus since you pose as a child in calling me mamma. As one of my young students would say: "Who's yo daddy?!" :)

Worth digging them up, SITARA, - the 'old bones', because they're tasty!

Pse do keep me (and us) updated on your reading regime. Zadie Smith is definitely worth a try - she's Britain's hottest literary property, not even 30, three novels already under her belt. Her latest novel 'On Beauty' was short-listed for Booker Man prize for this year - the British equivalent of Pulitzer.

Woman on Top - is that a new film? It's been ages since I last saw one. I remember re-watching Satyajit Ray's AAGANTUK, last month. That's all. Might try a bit harder or the mind goes dull.

Okay, it's dark already. I better shoot off. Good night.
Carpe diem

Sitara,
Finally printed it out and read it in my lunch break. Liked it. Got scared for the kid, got sad, got totally involved - so much so that my heart was racing towards the end of the piece. Being a mother of two and being so involved with my children's lives, AND one being the same age as the little boy, I took the story more personally I guess.

Sitara Mama,
Any new piece?

Nk Bhauju,
I think I know you, do you live in Newhamphire?

Dewar babu: No, I do not live in outback. I wanted to say I live in a swanky loft somewher in Notting Hill, but alas I don't live there either!

oops, i forgot to put that smiley face. I can almost feel the wrath of humour-challenged outbackers !

:)))

Hey NK;
Long time so see. Thank you for reading and sympathyzing with the character. I appreciate your penning down your reactions. I do value them.

Lalupathey,
Not yet.

Hey Sandhurst, I remember a review of "On Beauty". Now the name clicks despite my partial amnesia.

Sandhurst,

Pardon the intrusion into a thread that seems to be littered with close friends and acquaintances but, I had to agree with you in your recommendation of Zadie Smith as an author.
Magnificiently gifted with a sardonic wit and eloquence, her first novel, "white teeth" is an alltime favourite. I know she has recently published her second which is set in New England but have not had a chance to read it yet, have you?

Nepaali,

I too have not had a chance to read her new book. Missed meeting her this year during the Edinburgh festival up in Scotland.

For your info, she's a huge EM Forster fanatic - critics say this new book draws loosely on a few of Forster's characters from Howard's End.

Look forward to reading it when I have some free time in the future - but for now, I'm pretty happy reading Sajha posts! :) My schedules are a complete choc-a-bloc at the moment, and it's always like at this time of the year, in the run up to the Christmas stand down. That's when I plan on reading a bit more.

Thanks for your post. Take care.
Carpe diem

Sandhurst,

I gathered she was a fan of Forster- it's a little evident in her prose in White Teeth but I understand that her new novel "On Beauty" is very much influenced by Forster and some of the characters in Howard's End....not a bad set to have as the ubiquitious muse when one attempts writing I must say.

Well, thank you for your gracious reply and hopefully the rambunctious royals aren't causing too much agony within the hallowed halls of Sandhurst ! :-)

With a hanshake in thought,

Nepaali,
Thanks for your post. She wrote 'White Teeth' whilst still at Cambridge as a student. Her 'Autograph Man' is - I thought - not as good as its predecessor but brilliant prose. I have read and do read her newspaper articles/literary criticisms now and then. A household name already, there's no doubt about her potential to become a huge literary name some day but that's something we'll get to see it happen in the fullness of time.

As for the 'rambunctious royals', I cannot say anything more on that - protocol you see. But yes, Sandhurst halls would feel pretty empty without all those dashing royals. Definitely. Reasons all the more for the young female graduates to join Sandhurst eh! :))

Take care.
Carpe diem

Welcome Nepaali; We are all related via Sajha.

Am enjoying the conversation between you and Sandhurst! Ok, next reading: Zadie Smith, a must!

Sitara,

Thank you for the warm reception :-)

Yes, you should certainly read White Teeth - it is a brilliantly written book, the movie was actually rather nice - they had young Asian Brits - mainly Bangladeshi and Pakistani play the various parts and they did a very good job.

I seem to have this rather perplexing affinity for the brooding types so I took to the character of Millat quite easily---he's the more dogmatic "Desi" version of Mr. Darcy if you will!! :-)

After my conversation with Sandhurst, I went and bought the latest edition that Zadie Smith has to offer, "On Beauty" so I plan to try and make time to indulge in reading. Time however is a luxury these days --between work and a multitude of things that all demand attenton at the same time...I'm having to develop and hone my skills as a juggler :-)

Happy reading!
***********************************************************************
Sandhurst,

Ah yes, the young female grads may be heading to your Alma Mater (?) in droves...I guess there's something to be said for the constant eye exercise and the diminishing possibility of neck muscles not getting adequate exercise eh?!! :-))

Well...beauty in all it's splendour---dare say the male lot at Sandhurst must be very grateful to the house of Windsor!