From:
http://www.adviceopedia.com/Funny_Marriage_Advice
Follow these rules:
Go to Bed Angry
It's better to go to bed angry than stay up all night fighting – you'll need your rest in order to win the fight tomorrow.
Always Speak Directly to Your Spouse
Don’t try to send your spouse a message by having fake conversations with your kids or pets and pretending he or she isn't in the room (i.e. We wouldn't have been late if Mummy hadn't taken so long getting ready, etc.).
Never Tell Your Spouse That Looks Don't Matter
While it's a nice thought, saying that looks don't matter implies that you would marry any old hag. You want your spouse to feel attractive and desirable. You have high standards and he or she is worthy of them.
Never Have Breakfast Together
Few people are at their best in the morning. Stay out of each other's way and avoid confrontation in the morning by never eating breakfast together.
Always Wear Your Wedding Ring
Spouses who take them off will never win another argument again. Ever.
Don't Expect Dinner to be Made
DO NOT come home and ask your wife “What’s for dinner?” Implying that she's responsible for dinner will surely anger her. This isn't the 1950s. Both sexes are capable of preparing a meal.
Don't Live in the Past
Don’t compliment your wife for how she looks in outfits she used to wear that no longer fit. Always tell her she looks great in the moment.
Don't Laugh When Your Kids Call Your Wife Fat
Kids say the dandiest things and sometimes it's hard not to laugh. However, laughter will only encourage them to do it again, and chances are your wife won't find it as funny as the rest of you do.
The Thought Doesn't Count
Don't tell your wife about the gift you almost got her. Although it's nice to know that your spouse was thinking of you, it's nicer to know that he thought of you and brought you a present.
Dads Are Not Babysitters
If you're spending time with the kids while your wife is out, do not refer to it as babysitting – not unless you want to enrage your wife. Just because she gave birth to them, it doesn't mean that she claims sole responsibility of their care.
Women Lie
When your wife says, "I won't be mad" she's lying. When she says, "You don't have to ask permission to go out with your friends" she's lying. When she says, "Bald men are sexy" she's lying. When she says, "I want you to be honest with me – do I look fat in this?" she's lying.
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Correct His Driving
How will your husband know he's going too fast unless you continuously slam the imaginary brakes on the passenger side of the car?
If You Want Something, Feed Him
When men are hungry, they get cranky and irritable. A hungry husband is less likely to agree to any requests or demands. If you need to discuss something serious, or if you want him to do something for you, check his appetite first.
Help Him Improve Himself
If your husband is a hunter or fisher and brings home some sort of trophy, say, "I thought it would be bigger." It will encourage him to try harder next time.
Smile and Nod
When your husband needs to bare his soul, let him. Even if you have absolutely no interest in what he's saying, at least pretend to listen. After all, women often try to convince men to be more communicative. So let him complain. Allow your eyes to glaze over and daydream about something else. It's a safe bet he'll never notice.
Play the Damsel in Distress to Get What You Want
When you need an unpleasant job done around the house don't ask your husband to do it. Instead, attempt the job yourself, do it badly and let him show you the "right" way to do it. He gets to be the hero, and you get to go relax.
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
If you insist on putting your foot down about everything, you're bound to get exhausted. Instead, let the small stuff slide and save the big fights for important stuff, such as finances, children and picking the movie.
