Dear Kalyan,

Dear Kalyan,

To me this looks like an individual case. I have seen many couple having wonderful life here in USA. You should not generalize the issue here.

karki

There is no guarantee in any relationship but if you're living in America and planning to live in America, my advice is lot to marry someone who lives in America (Nepali or non-Nepali). This way, both husbands and wives know what to expect from each other and they have better understanding of successful relationship. The tragedy in my case is that I'm trying to make my parents happy and my parents say that they are trying to make me happy also. The result is we both are ending up unhappy....... and I know that right now.

Myaan, I hate when my parents tell me "I want you to be happy". What am I supposed to tell them ? " Oh cool, thanks for raising me. Now I will do whatever the hell I want to do and may even marry a GORINI" ........ Nooooooooooo. Trust me, when you get " I want you to be happy" from your parents -MEANS- Big Pressure. In reality they're saying " Son/Daughter, we tried to raise you the best we could and now it is your turn. You have a moral obligation to the family. It is your duty to fulfill that. You can also be happy at the same time ( *%&#@%^&) " . What am I supposed to do ?

Byabahaar garna Saarai gaaro Bidesh ma Basera. Ma ta Aaajit bhai sakey kahiley Kaahi :-(

here is no guarantee in any relationship but if you're living in America and planning to live in America, my advice is to marry someone who lives in America (Nepali or non-Nepali). This way, both husbands and wives know what to expect from each other and they have better understanding of successful relationship. The tragedy in my case is that I'm trying to make my parents happy and my parents say that they are trying to make me happy also. The result is we both are ending up unhappy....... and I know that right now.

Myaan, I hate when my parents tell me "I want you to be happy". What am I supposed to tell them ? " Oh cool, thanks for raising me. Now I will do whatever the hell I want to do and may even marry a GORINI" ........ Nooooooooooo. Trust me, when you get " I want you to be happy" from your parents -MEANS- Big Pressure. In reality they're saying " Son/Daughter, we tried to raise you the best we could and now it is your turn. You have a moral obligation to the family. It is your duty to fulfill that. You can also be happy at the same time ( *%&#@%^&) " . What am I supposed to do ?

Byabahaar garna Saarai gaaro Bidesh ma Basera. Ma ta Aaajit bhai sakey kahiley Kaahi :-(

There is no guarantee in any relationship but if you're living in America and planning to live in America, my advice is to marry someone who lives in America (Nepali or non-Nepali). This way, both husbands and wives know what to expect from each other and they have better understanding of successful relationship. The tragedy in my case is that I'm trying to make my parents happy and my parents say that they are trying to make me happy also. The result is we both are ending up unhappy....... and I know that right now.

Myaan, I hate when my parents tell me "I want you to be happy". What am I supposed to tell them ? " Oh cool, thanks for raising me. Now I will do whatever the hell I want to do and may even marry a GORINI" ........ Nooooooooooo. Trust me, when you get " I want you to be happy" from your parents -MEANS- Big Pressure. In reality they're saying " Son/Daughter, we tried to raise you the best we could and now it is your turn. You have a moral obligation to the family. It is your duty to fulfill that. You can also be happy at the same time ( *%&#@%^&) " . What am I supposed to do ?

Byabahaar garna Saarai gaaro Bidesh ma Basera. Ma ta Aaajit bhai sakey kahiley Kaahi :-(

we got your point nattu

Sita I's have to agree with rajesh karki'
individual case paryo jasto chha

What is so different about this story ? She got into trouble...Big deal !! Stupid decisions
deserve stupid results. I have no sympathy for anybody like this. Besides, what is so
important about this girl ? That she is in USA ? There are thousands or more deserving
people with worse fate than this girl.

This is what happens when you marry someone whithout knowing him. As I said earlier,
she got waht she deserves...Stupid decision->measurable life. Besides, don't rely on
someone ELSE so much that you are NOTHING without him or her.

Saroj

Although I feel for the girl, I agree wth saroj. This is nothing but whining. "Oh nooo he did not turn out to be the prince of my dreams, oh nooo America is not a Paradise. Oh noooo I actually have to take care of myself now."

Anyway, it would be good if Sajha, or ANA or some nepali association could help some sort of safety net so that people like her (and others who find themselves stranded in USA) have some way to keep up with their lives and not feel lonely and helpless.

The main problem is... She thought she was beautiful back in her college time in Nepal. The problem started then.

This is just an example of one relationship that did not work out and the outcome was divorce. Statistically, 1/2 of marriages in US fail. From this it seems that, it is just an average problem and it is not that mountain has fallen on her as she sounded like.

--- karki

in our society, we still think coming to usa is big deal. when will we know that just coming to usa or staying in usa is not big deal. we should not assume all people living here are good. she and her parents should have tried to know more facts about that guy before deciding one of the biggest steps of her life. i dont know, but i think we dont tell exact situation of ours here in usa, i mean how difficult and hard is life and struggle and all to our family and friends back home. most of us just think that after landing in usa, everyting will go fine and its a heaven but the reality is not like aslee simpson's show in MTV or hollywood movies.

Hi GURL_INTERRUPTED,

I understand what message she was trying to tell. And there is nothing wrong telling
your stupid pathetic story to everyone. It's your story and you have the right to tell
everyone. But let the person who listens decide what to make out of it. Don;t tell me
what it means to me...I still do not think it is a big deal. Because as I said earlier..
"stupid decisions often end up with bad result". She has to grow up and live up an say...

"Hey girls, don't think that life is all beautiful in USA. Better be prepared to be on your
own."

cardinal, well said. I would add this much...'Stop whining and start taking charge of your
life.'

Saroj

I'm sure most girls who visit sajha are in the USof A
so... I'm sure they understand the situation
may be this message is to reach in nepal ko communities

This is just HER SIDE of the story. It is premature to blame anyone before we hear from both sides. The only person I feel sorry for is her old boyfriend. With that said, we're are all human beings and we all make mistakes. Life goes on.....

Arranged marriage should be abolished.
And only if nepali parents cared little bit more about their kid's life and his/her partner of choice, things like this will happen a lot less. All they care about if the superficial status they gain from getting their kid's married to a family richer than them be it a family with unhappiness or a totally broken one.
Parents back home should care about their kid's happiness and let them' choose their partner after all they are the ones spending their lives with them not the parents.

Forget about in US< there are girls in Nepal living a miserable lives like this or even worse all. And arrianged marriage a one of the big factors to that.

I think there is an organization in New York that help helpless South Asian ladies. I cannot remember what it is called or where in New York it is stationed, but I will do some research and post it here.

Anyway, I just think it is the girl's bad luck.

There is thing, I don't know, many people might be offended with this, but I should say many Nepalese people in America of this generation have their heads up their butt, i.e. "this is America, and one can and should do everything" attitude. Just look at the 15 year old who came from Nepal recently. He is the biggest poser, has started to act as a hip-hop or a rap-person when it does not really suit him, ignores his parents and is basically a wannabe. People like that irritate me and I am seeing a lot of people have turned like that after coming to the US.

I mean, when one immigrates to the US, one most definitely should absorb the good things of the society, i.e. belief in freedom, free thinking, hard work, etc. However, one should not forget one's own values from one's country, i.e. family, and other values such as culture. I have seen many people run far from their culture. For example, at a function in a place which will not be mentioned, one person was laughed at for wearing Daura Surwal and singing a Nepalese song in the stage. I think there was no reason people should have laughed at him, because 1. his song was good and 2. his voice was great. But he was still "...chewed up, and spit out and booed of stage..." (Eminim, "Lose Yourself"). I was annoyed. Very annoyed. These kind of scenarios are seen a lot in many parties. I was baffeled. I thought "where is the sense and pride of culture?"

And now I end my rambling.

Doctor Bee

Oh and just to be clear, let me mention that I am of this new generation, or wave, of people who have immigrated. This includes new students (1997 and beyond) and DV Candidates (2001 and beyond). So basically I am dissing my generation. But I am entitled to express my opinions, so it is all good.

Doctor Bee

Sukuti....let me tell you something....no matter the how harsh the results and circumstance that might have brought on someone's life by ARRANGED marriage...one thing to be understood is the fact that ARRANGED marriage is simply no more than a TOOL or INSTRUMENT in itself to bind two people into a relationship of marriage.

The people are ones who decide how that TOOL is to be used. The TOOL does not decide who should marry whom so I strongly believe it's very unfair to blame the TOOL and not the people who make use of that TOOL.

It wont be impossible to take out the tool (arranged marriage in this case) out of action however since the tool is not the culprit here it will not make much difference even if the ARRANGED marriage (TOOL) is taken out of action because the people who make use out of it will certainly find another way to do the job of tool.

I agree with Gurl_Interrupted that people should come out with such experiences so that others can learn from them. However, it is important that the message not be distorted. In this case, i think the lesson is certainly NOT
a) that arranged marriages are bad
b) that life for a woman marrying a guy living in the US is bad.
I can cite many more cases of happy arranged marriages than successful love marriages. And when I say happy, i am considering the fact that both individuals want to be in the relationship, and are not forced to remain together due to societal pressures. Also, I would say the majority of nepalese women who married guys in the US prefer to live in the US simply because of the higher standards of living, better future for their children, and freedom, which they normally would not enjoy whie living under the same roof as their saasu sasura while adhering to nepalese cultural values.

THe lesson that I got is simply that one should look before leaping. In this case, the girl had almost made up her mind without even seeing the guy. She should have done her due diligence, and made an effort to get to know the guy's self. It's all water under the bridge now, but had she done her homework this would not have happened. She just happened to be unlucky. If the guy had continued behaving the way he did at the beginning, she would have had a very happy life, so its just a case of bad luck.

Having said all of this, i feel sorry for her, and I hope she finds a way to be truly happy. THe silver lining is that she probably came out of this a lot stronger and wiser. Also, the irony is that she is in a much better position to become self-sufficient in the US than she would have been if her husband had deserted her in nepal. Good luck to her...