"COMMITMENT PHOBIA"

Everytime I hear this word I feel like kicking and screaming. What do these two words really mean? Some time ago I was told that I am a commitment phobic person too. Might be possible, just have never thought about it in that way. People say that if a person is scared at the thought of marriage, or is scared that the relationship s/he is going to get into will choke him/her and take the freedom away, then s/he is a commitment phobic person.

Well the situation does not look too good when it is reversed. I have always been scared that the guy I date might be Mr. Wrong. I always looked at his flaws rather than all of his qualities. It was always the fear that he might break my heart and I will be left weeping and crying all by myself. Always feared and always cautious of what might happen.

All of a sudden the roles changed and I was distraught. What I feared DID happen. He left me alone. Well not really alone, but he claimed that the commitment phobia that he had did not let him get into a relationship. So what is the thing between us? I dont understand. I have never really considered myself a commitment phobic, just a bit cautious. And now when I see a person so like me, a person who has the same views and who thinks just like me, I am scared to death.

Thinking about getting married some day always gave me cold feet, and when he says the same, I am scared of what might be! When he says that he is amazed about how he can stay with 1 person all his life, my worse fear comes true (though I have the same feelings poking at my heart). We are so much alike but so far apart from each other. I always knew what I wanted, but now when I see myself in this deep pit with no way out, I am getting claustrophobic and do not know how to handle the situation.

What is the answer? Is there anything called "commitment phobia"? Or does the brain make the heart believe that in no way can it feel belongingness with anyone? I keep looking for a beam of light to enter into the pit, but am afraid that in the long wait for the ray I might lose 'him'-- the main essence of my dilemma!

Nice piece Anj..and Yeah long time no see...
Just curious if thats the flow of ur feelings or just written in the whimsicality of the world...
Nirman

Nirman .. It has been long! months I guess since I last posted. Well this peice does not really have a great significance in my life, but has left me curious about the origin of the term "commitment phobia". Sometimes I feel like it is something people create on their own.
Have heard quite a few people say it, so was wondering what other people's view was on the topic. Just wondering, "why the phobia"?

Just some of my views I would like to jot down:

One reason may be they are so afraid of being burdened of all the tensions they have of their own, they are afraid of take something of others...

Another maybe they are soo much committed to someone but that someone may have never understood their feelings, so he/shemay be afraid of giving the same commitment to anyone else...

Or maybe some souls doesn't just like to be boundarized within the emotional boundary...

well there maybe thousand other reasons..I have just jot down some...and for one reason of other I am kinda commitment phoebic too..

Nirman

you can put me on the top of the list..when a guy gays hello i'm all there, when he says i like ya it's good..when he says love ya..i'm gulping down tequilas..beyond that please free this world of commting traumas...naaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhin

Oh hush, I lop ya. :D

Anj - great topic. Interesting observations by Nirman. My own take on this subject is driven largely by my own experience with relationships and from what I have seen of close friends and relatives.

I was the type of person who really did not have much of a problem commiting to someone. That was till my last relationship of several years broke down. Reasons are aplenty and I don't want to bore you with them. Now as I look forward to the rest of my life, I feel I will only make a commitment to someone if I am strongly convinced that I want to and can spend the rest of my life with that person. I also have to believe, without doubt, that she is willing and capable of spending her life with me. Short of that, I honestly don't see the need to commit to someone. My freedom is too precious to be given to someone who may make me regret it later.

Long story short, commitment, for me at least, comes with a belief that the person that you are committing to will make your time together worth it. Short of that, I say stick to wham, bam, thank you maam. (I would like to de-stress the bam part - I am not too concerned about it these days :) ... LOL )

hush..
send me your phone number.. i am coming to boston next week.. probably, its time to settle that grande (o:

teehehehe..you are serious aren't you...damn flirting over sajha we gonna be busted dude

hushp,
dun worry... nobody gonna bust..(o:.. kalyug ma kohi pani.. na ta satyawan na ta sabitri... tesaile .. dunot forget to send me ur number ....

what an irony dude .lol..look at the topic we're chatting now..don't give me goosebumps..i already have hiccupps :p

Good topic.......

Hey hushpuppy .......kata ho timi ........Laxmi ko kura k bhayo yaar?

hushp..
u talking bout hiccups or hiccies... (o:
yeah yeah,.. this is what I am good at humor and ironies .. dyamnnnn.....

so... ??? send me ur number. will call u when i get there nn we can go finish our grande..?? what say u? afraid?

Hush dare it., and then we will see who is scared fo whom here. ;)

Anyways back to original poster:

Anj sis, *hug* that's annoying. I can't stand it when people don't have the courtesy to at least say what they feel .There's absolutely no excuse for that. Do it. The worst she/he can do is say 'no'.

''I think the risks that it won't work out don't measure up to the possible benefits.''

And after that don't act pissy with her/him either, or like you've already been rejected. Cause this will simply be childish.

Since I can imagine what made you say this. So listen now, in such cases people must talk to the person and finally they will feel that a HUGE weight will been taken off their shoulders after that. The mental torture and depression isn't worth it. Even if they say no, they will be feeling a lot better without all the worrying shit. You need to let your emotions out. SIMPLE!

PS Anj sis, you should closely watch the post from Captain, he is being honest here, and most people usually always have a reason behind it, like he also seems to have one. If someone is scared of commitment ask them why and talk to them without trying to judge or convince them, and if you can?t deal just say they them good bye. No need to go further. It will just lead to depression, which really isn't worth. And don't forget everything happens for a reason. Enjoy your life, Its too short to get messed in this whole relationship thing. DAMN SUCKS !!

Thanks a lot for all your feedback, and thanks for being honest. I see that in most of the cases people are scared of commitment because-- what does commitment bring? It brings an end to your do-it-myself life. I mean we are single, happy and master of our own and then there comes a day when every step you take and every decision you make has to be determined keeping someone in mind.

Okay I admit, maybe it is because a distrust in guys due to my past experience, or maybe just because of the "what ifs" as said by gurl_interupted, I hold myself back. BUt coming across the same situation, insecurity was what I felt. As Matrixrose said just talk. Well "words dont come easily;)"

Nirman, the reasons you gave are pretty good about why people dont want commitment. But do you think the reasons are strong enough to make a girl fall for you but you back out when the relationship reaches the second stage where you either have a choice to let go or known to be "together". I feel weird to think about the heartaches the letting go would cause.

I think captain's reason for not giving commitment to any Sally or Nina is plausible, but what about the people who are afraid to EVER commit? They cringe when they think of a partner for "life"!. Just wanting to know... and evryone's comment and views are really appreciated. Thanks for sharing :).

As Matrixrose said just talk. Well "words dont come easily;)"
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IT DOES. :P Just say what you feel without thinking what others might think. Keep talking and talking. Trust me it helps. ;)

amazxing, who's laxmi are you talking about...damn...?? i'm confused..ok thapap i'm sending you my number right now...and i'm gonna post every second of our rendezvous out here in sajha..don't jump off the roof after that..its only a cappuccino..aiit..thanks matrix rose..

okey okey.. u can post it in sajha.. u can write it in ur diary too... no biggie...

k garne.i had high hopes coz it started with 100proof.. but anyway i will settle for cappuccino.. "something is better than nothing" (o:

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i am among who sees half full glasses [ than half empty]

Anj,
lets c .

Captain O' Captain.. is 100% right.

matrix as always is eloquent and [ i barely understand what matrix writes.. Rose is way above my understanding level (o: 2 complex]

If a relationship is based on satiation of one individual's motive [ whatever it might be] then it is never gonna work and wounded ones are gonna be fear of commitment in future. <<<=== my 2 cents



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but what do i know.....

So thapa did you get the # and called her ? ;D Chito tell I am nosy hehe.