A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Darling, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my Love, fanatic
P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he
finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him
where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that
Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn't
do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies
away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to
him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is.
Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him
to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about.
He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle.
He thinks I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of
that so fast she'll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his
business and in 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away.
Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?"
Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!"
A couple walked into a tourist shop in Jamaica. The Jamaican said to them,
I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. “Dey makes you
wild at sex.â€
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man
claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex God he
was.
The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?†The
Jamaican replied, “Just try dem on, Man.†So, the husband, after some badgering
from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them
onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t
seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, “You got dem on the de wrong feet man! You
got dem on de wrong feet!â€
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept
through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell
me Janice, who created the universe?†When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a
boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!†shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good†and Janice
fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.†But,
Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue
and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!†shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,†and Janice
fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?†and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one
more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!â€
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they
suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and
one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them
and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set
and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon
from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After
finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said,
"These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last
night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other.
"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt
that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We will never forget you!'
13 years old boy sex A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father
got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears,
"Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have
wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home
and the son replied,
"Nah dad my ass is still sore."
The Elderly Couple
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can
I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And
he then charged them $32.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find
out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here for
$32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's
office."
Politics Defined
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is
politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the
administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to
take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the
Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that
night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He
finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to
his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole
and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son,
tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The
little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is
in deep shit."
Once there was a meeting of international police in Africa. It that meeting
the police department of different countries took part. So did nepal police,
indian police, american police and so on. Now there was one competition there
to check the efficiency of respective police departments. The competition was
to go to the jungle and find a tiger, capture it and bring it alive.
So the american police went first. They came after 4 hours with a tiger in
cage.
Next went the nepal police. They went to jungle and returned after 10 hours
very exhausted but with a tiger in a cage.
Now the turn was that of indian police. They also went to jungle while
others waited in camp. A day passed but they didn't returned. Everyone were
worried so they went in the jungle to search them. After couple of hours of
search they found the indian police team. What they saw there was like this:
They have caught a bear, tied it in the tree and were beating it. They were
telling him that, "confess that you are a tiger, say it, say it".
There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was
having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was
told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer.
One
day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very
horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk
it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if
I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car,
closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it.
A few minutes later, there's a tug at
his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't
open his eyes, but just hollers, "Yeah?" "I'm Officer Brown.
What are you doing down there?"
"Well, officer, I'm checking my axle;
I think it's come lose."
"Well, mister, while you're down there, you
might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road crashed into a
tree."
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow
really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store
that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what
you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and
went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which
was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy
lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it
would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could
be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top
it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and
deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the
following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him
vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if
you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady
with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one
from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next
to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would
be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.
Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady
pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old
lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most
athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the
little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are
flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single
second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that
equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own
experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know
his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years'
time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that,
particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years
ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fuc***ing fence wasn't
electrified."
A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".
He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step... The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three... Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. If you can satisfy her, you win the money!"
The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.
Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the fu*k do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air Canada".
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know
where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious
reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a
brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The
prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.
Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The
young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously,
"What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on
her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out
free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some
myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A
police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But
you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures
and suck 'em dry!"
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for
a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet
him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife
a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address,
he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter,
and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband
had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell
to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy
submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired
him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner
of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.
She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.
The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fu(king potatoes!"
A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquires.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responds.
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."
"What?" his father replied.
"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure
Biden out, Trump next president, so what’s gonna happen to TPS, termination?
and it begins - on Day 1 Trump will begin operations to deport millions of undocumented immigrants
मन भित्र को पत्रै पत्र!
Tourist Visa - Seeking Suggestions and Guidance
From Trump “I will revoke TPS, and deport them back to their country.”
Anybody gotten the TPS EAD extension alert notice (i797) thing? online or via post?
advanced parole
TPS Renewal Reregistration
Sajha Poll: Who is your favorite Nepali actress?
Biden said he will issue new Employment visa for someone with college degree and job offers
Why Americans reverse park?
Nepali Passport Renew
Driver license help ASAP sathiharu
They are openly permitting undocumented immigrants to participate in federal elections in Arizona now.
ढ्याउ गर्दा दसैँको खसी गनाउच
To Sajha admin
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