Folks,

I need your help on this. Me and my lady is having problem in money issue. We have a combined account.
If I spend some money on my family or myself (in helath club and fitness) she becomes mad and we have a big fight. I have totally stopped spending money on my family now (which is not a big issue). She doesn't let me spend money on what I enjoy or love to do. My passion is music and I wanted to buy a guitar. She doesn't let me buy one.I don't restrict her spend money on her interests or on her personal development. Infact I encourage her to do that. I understand we are tryting to save money to buy house, but can she be
really making an issue if I spend money on my health club or fitness plan? Not to mention I am gaining weight like crazy and I need to take severe charge against my health or there might be a possible heart attack down the road. Another thing, I am not a huge spender either. I don't spend crazily on everything.

That said, I bring home around $1000 dollar more per month than she does. Separating account probably is good interms of your freedom of spending money on what you love to do but I really don't like the idea of seperating account since I feel, this way eventually you will seperate from your spouse as well especially when you tend to do things seperately. I personally believe marriage
is to do things together.

I am not sure if she still loves me. Because if she does why wouldn't she let me make my choices. Why is she controlling my life? I am very frustrated. I kind of feel like my life is empty.

Can you guys please help? Are you among the married ones having same issue? How have you dealt with on this situation?

NASTY problem dude....i think u ougtta be a man and get facts straightened out with your wife.....you are living a whiner of a life man..... you sound like you deserve much better...

Be a "MAN"

 

 

as she does to u shout at her or quarrel her if she tries to spend money in any other thing that is necessary to her not for u.... then obviously women starts crying or fighting back with those issues, and you can explain your things and your wishes at that time, how u felt with her behavior when u tried to spend some money on ur necessities.... tit for tat brother,

Dallas_guy,

This is a very common issue mainly between a newly married couple. There is one simple way of going about this issue in particular.

Open up new bank accounts, one for your wife and one for you. These would be your personal account. Neither of you have the authority to question or comments regarding this account. And yes, you will have to set this up with a common understading with your wife.

Now set up a monthly/bi weekly transfer of  "agreed" amount of spending money from this joint account to your personal account. This requires you to have a quality talk with you wife reagarding finances and how you would like to make the savings goal that you both have effecient. You have to choose right words and right time and mood to approach your wife so that it won't seem like ur doing this outta frustration or anything negative. If you were to do this, you both will have allocated amt of money every month in your personal acct for yourself to spend. Whether you chose to spend now or later or whatever you wanna do.

This has worked for me and I'm sure if implemented properly would work for you as well.
It was funny in my case, as we ended up saving more this way than what we did before. This way each of has self control of our spending money and are very careful on where and how we spend from our own account. So instead of spening on useless things, I plan well and spend on something like my $1100 les paul which was a big dream of mine for years. That would have been IMPOSSIBLE if we still had the joint account.

my 2cents..

good luck!

Thanks folks for your response.

Gazabko_manche jee,

I understand this separation of portion of your income in order to buy a guitar or to spend on my parents. But to pay for your health club and fitness center, does it make sense to do this? Can you compromise anything with your health? Why do I need to separate money to spend for my own health? Help me out here. That said, I have asked her to join the fitness club also. If she doesn't want to join, what can I do. But whey does she need to create an issue if I want to spend on my health?

I am very disturbed right now guys.

 

 

Dallas guy,

Your wife seems miser to me if what u mentioned was true.If my husband wants something which is not that necessary,I always present him either in our aniversary or in his birthday or even in Christmas.Yes,one shouldn't be spending carelessly without planning on ones budget.But once in a while one gets to buy stuffs .Like u mentioned,if u r really going to health club regularly,then it's good to join.Health is wealth.But if u simply join club to follow the fashion and later won't go there and simply waste money ,then it's not worth.

One shouldn't argue without  understanding each other's needs and plan.U guys make a definite plan like how much u r going to spend and how much u'll save.Try to talk to her.Make her understand.Afterall,if we can't buy anything we desperately want ,then what's money for?Money gives us power to spend but we have to spend within our budget.

By the way what kind of a girl u r stuck with who won't let u spend little bit of money on your parents?Ofcourse u have to save for yourselves too but why can't one spend money on ones parents?It's really weird.I'm sure u didn't spend all of your money on your parents.This is serious issue.One can't neglect parents in their old age when they have sacrificed so much for us.Talk to her .Make her understand.Don't ignore your parents now and later on live on guilt.When u have time and show some affection for them.

My two cents.....

 

Dallas_guy,

The main issue with the solution that I recommended is where to draw the line. What is yours and what is hers??. this could get very problematic and might cause other major issues in your relationship... for example who would pay and from which accout would you pay if you went to a resturant of YOUR choice for dinner as opposed to going to HER favorite place for dinner. You gotta be very careful in defining that fine line. My suggestion only works for very personal (un shareable) item that only works for you or her. like the example of guitar or getting her hair done at the mall for her. But for something common you have no other option but to discuss it with her and convince her. I can however see the health issue being personal for yourself only, since she doesn't seem interested in joining. I know its ridiculous but i guess its either that or having a long conversation and trying to come to a comman ground (which might turn into emotional warfare and "you don't love me anymore" bullshit) so its your call what would work for your woman.... i wish i had a universal answer that applies to all women,,, but u kno thats not possible

Dallas_guy,

Though I have not entered the life of marital bliss yet and have not faced any problems like you have, I think you need to clear the air soon before it chokes you. Having thoughts that your wife does not love you anymore is a little extreme because she is supposed to be your life partner.. your other half. I think the best thing to do is sit with her.. when she is in a pleasant mood and tell her what you told us. Do not sound accusing when you do that... tell her all this in a neutral tone. She needs to understand that you have needs and wants too and when those are not satisfied.. they lead to bad feelings! Which is eventually going to destroy your relationship.

I would recommend you going to a marriage counselor or couple therapy if you think you cant solve the differences amongst yourselves. In the end of the day you have to decide what it important to you and so does she. I would not suggest you to have separate accounts as that might distance the two of you and when you already doubt her love for you... that would not be a smart move. Talk it out and if that doesnt help.. let others help you (professionals). I hope the air clears between the two.. and you lead a blissful married life. :)

Dallas_guy,
If she thinks that spending money on a health club/gym is a waste, then you need to find someone who is more literate than that. Talk to her, and explain why it is 'necessary' to be fit.
Unless you guys are going through financial crisis like Wallstreet, I don't see any reason why you can't buy a guitar. If she doesn't care about the little things that make you happy, then let her know how you feel. Think about it and tell her there is a problem in your marriage rather than having huge fights every now and then. If she doesn't acknowledge, then you have to start thinking about other means.
Counseling might be the next step. Anyways, Good luck bro.

 

Dude, Don't panic at all.Thats is universal in a realtionship.The only difference is some ppl step forward to unwrap it while others just let it go and remain in a state of turmoil some time even resulting in the end of realtionship.I am strictly against the idea of "Be A Man".You don't need to a man before ur wife.She already knows u r a man thats why she goes to bed with u.I would recommend u to work more on gaining her trust and persuading her.Have u ever gave a thought why she is against ur idea of buying guitar??Doesn't she want u to look happy and be happy??Of course she does.Actaully,we just hear from ur perspective and u might have some stuffs which u r vulnerable to and u dont realize wat u r doin.In ur case it might be music.What I mean vulnerable here is:  you might be spending a lot of time with guitar and more concerned of different maorrs and tabs than ur househols stuffs which ur wife might not appreciate.U know wat i mean?? Relationships flourishes on the mutual trust and understanding .Let her know wats on ur mind.

There might be some stuffs which she never thought about it or never knew about it so try to explain the stuffs .Last but not the least,if u wanna stay in a healthy relationship ,u gotta increase the conversation with ur spouse.This is one of the common problem for all Nepali ppl.We dont really discuss about anything but just say it and want everything to happen that way.I have seen this with in my family,ppl my vicinity and  relatives.

 

Thank you all for your comments. Much appreciated.

Guys, lets be realistic. I am not in a relationship with american woman or something that I can get out of the relationship in the blink of an eye. We are a married couple and and we have vowed to live together infront of our families and public to spend the life together. So no question of leaving her. I can't imagine my life with another woman. I want things to work out between her and myself. If she can't appreciate the music, I can't simply leave her and be with other woman. If she argues and fights me over me spending money on my needs, its not wise idea for me to dump her like that. Because I care about her.

Regarding talks, I have done it enough. She even knows doctor report of me gaining weight and high cholestoral. She also knows how much I am determined and focussed once I start on something. I am not a type of guy who starts on something and leaves in the middle.

Bideshi jee, BTW understanding the importance of each other's parents we both have set aside a portion of our income for it. It used to be huge issue before but not any more. Thanks for your concerns.

 

 

Thats why everyone should have separate account.

Money is the main cause of divorce, so I think you and your wife need to sit down calmly and talk it over and plan. Maybe do what gazabko manche said each open a separate account and have pre determined amount monthly transfer to each of your accounts from your joint account and both have to agree to be able to spend that money the way they choose no questions asked.
And I don't  think it's wise to bring out the point on who makes more money because then she may say what about all the things she does in the house like cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. he should pay her for that too.
Anyway I hope everything works out and u don't end up going separate ways just for few hundred dollars.

Having your own house for a woman is very important where she can raise her family have enough place for kids to grow up in , play. So that may be the main reason she does not want you to spend any money she wants to save every dime and buy a house soon. Maybe after that she may be more open to you spending money.

For time being just jog around the block for better health or buy a used treadmill and few weights.

Having your own house for a woman is very important where she can raise her family have enough place for kids to grow up in , play. So that may be the main reason she does not want you to spend any money she wants to save every dime and buy a house soon. Maybe after that she may be more open to you spending money.

For time being just jog around the block for better health or buy a used treadmill and few weights.

Tell her that you are opening a separate account, then do so and see how she feel/behave.

Nobody even care about if someone spends (I would say it an "investment" as better health is the huge wealth) $400 a year for fitness while a couple is spending over $5-600 a month for just for rent and about the same amount for food and other things per month. But, if she fights for small small things that bring in happiness in you, then the root of the problem may be the love, not the money itself. You got to talk to her heart to heart and figure out what she wants and let her know clearly what you want or you feel. Of course, behaving like a man is not the better solution and if there are problems in you  you also need to change yourself. But, if it is what you described here, then it may be stupidity to expect that she would be your love through out your life? You better prepare for the any worse situation now.

I was wondering, Did you not have personal accounts before you got married? If not, you still gotta have personal accounts. Its two people uniting to live life together with their differences intact - each abiding to learn to live with others differences and infact, appreciating it for good.

I presume they dont charge you to have multiple accounts, and you can always budget according to your differences , plus common interests!

As long as you are responsible, and the 'bitter' half is understanding, i see no problems in that and your love wont be any less, if you spend some money from your account for your well being and show your determination for the common interest , oh yeah - a beautiful HOME.

Your potrait of your wifes picture shows to be really one sided. Why doesnot she allow you to buy a guitar? Did she felt threatened ? was there any issues with other woman with your Guitar? Also do you have a trademill at home? If you don't buy one and excercise at home with her. Will she have a problem with that... If you already do and are spending by listening to sales people you get online and from other places...those are issues you need to resolve.If you want to join online health clubs besides the fact that you already have membership and excersie instruments then you may be making a mistake aswell. May be your are doing spending too much.... than you should. Money you make and she makes are saved for home you said right...doesnot look any selfish of her to me as is she is trying to save that for your house...Also it is good to ask yourself do you make wise selection in terms of money? I let my wife handle money and she is good with that. Sometimes I get suprised what a good decision she makes!

There could be many issues with you too...Look at yourself.  Everyone  thinks your way is the right way,have you tried to understand her perspectives? How many health clubs are you a member of? Is this the 1st time you are taking membership? Gotta look into your sides too...It is good to look at both sides.

Having a seperate account may resolve these issues...but looks like you want to have control over that money too :-)

Dallas Guy,

I think the main issue is not of money but of priorities, not of communication but of each other's language.

She wants to buy a house. A nice home and a good family is of utmost importance to most women. House is her priority.

You want to be a part of health club.  You want to stay fit and manage your weight problem.
You want to buy a guitar.  You love music and want to be a part of it. Health and music are your priorities.

Can you speak in her language and explain her that you value health and music exactly the way she values owning a house?

In case of arguments, don't try to be a 'fixer' (men tend to do so) but just listen.  There might be more reasons to why she doesn't want you to join a health club or buy a guitar.

Dear Dallas_Guy,

                         To sum your whole paragraph in one word I would say "break up." You are in a really good situation and its neither going to hurt you financial status nor your social status.

a) You have not bought a house so no need to worry about who is going to pay the mortgage.
b) You don't have kids and I think you have  planted the seed for one to arrive soon so no  need to worry about child support (remember child support is alike another mortgage loan.)
c)You should be somewhere around 25-35 which basically means you wont have trouble finding an open minded girl who does not treat you like a little girl and not let you do things you want to.


                          The way things are developing I can see you wife sitting home all day playing with your kids while you work 9-5 like  dog or possibly two jobs to pay the mortgage of your single family house in 2 acres(someone suggested that a women need a big home to raise their  kids and  to play, What a slit?). And still after you come back home you will be over loaded with instructions just like your next door neighbor gives to his dog in his evening walk.

                          Marriage is a big responsibility. Graduating from a college and getting a job around 60-100 K does not qualify you to get married. Average Nepalese have this sense which is completely wrong. Marriage boils down to one thing, "compromise."  If you have molded your life  in such a way that if you can compromise for someone and can still be happy then your relationship will work. Otherwise your life will be really depressing and you will get  frustrated.

                           And yes there is no way out. The way your marriage is working right now I can assume that your wife will call shots all life long and you would wag your tail and run around like a honest dog.  What is the point of living a life where you cant even do the thing you want to do? Why would you get married just because it is the right thing to do or what the society or others tell you to do. The reason most Nepalese men get married is not for the sole purpose of finding companionship but to find a good looking salve who will give unlimited sex. When this goes wrong most Nepalese men get frustrated. Regardless to where you live now you might have seen your dad calling shots and making plans where are your mom following the orders. Now its is really difficult for you to digest this fact right now since it's working the other way around.

                           There is another thing your wife might do soon if you start to do things your way. This is going to turn you into a crazy bull who wants to bang his head on the wall. You see, sex is an important aspect for all men, rich, poor, successful, unsuccessful etc.. Your wife might start to hold sex against you. And trust me nothing is better then a lusty sex after come back home after a hard day's work. You will start to find it crazy and begin to think, what am I going to get out of this relationship?

                            I see that few people have suggested opening separate personal accounts and then transferring money to the joint account. You can do anything you want but neither you nor her would be happy. Let me tell you this, "you can never read anyone's mind and nor can you make anyone happy all the time." You can try all you want but to me if someone is trying to control you life it's time to kiss them good bye. I don't know why should you still stay in the relationship and try to work things out in vain even when you have a clear indication(in your case) that you will have to compromise shamefully in the end always.

                            The people who have suggested  above to work things out are similar to people in your friends circle who will make you feel that their life is in the right track and their relationship is working out great. These are the people who will draw the line and say you should never step out of this circle once you step in regardless of how much you might have to give and be unhappy. I think this is a ridiculous idea. You are in a free country there are endless possibilities. There are millions of women out there, why do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like a puppy?

                               This is not about being a Man. This is about "right to live your personal life the way you want." Women can make or break your life. She can make your life miserable or prosperous. Women are a different kind of animal and they don't think like us men do. If cant compromise, cant understand her and don't want to listen to her then its a good time to get hold of your lawyer and sing the divorce papers. Remember it's never too late.


Passionate Dreamer,
YekloYatri