What a read, thank you for posting it.

A bit esoteric at times, and there is a little need to control the flow, also, I would have preferred bigger fonts and frequent breakdown into smaller paragraphs,but an excellent read otherwise!

Kudos!

Seeing ONLY ONE reply to this post makes me hate sajha even more.

using complex words ( looking for synonym from dictionary or making a sentence unnecessarily complex ) does not make a writing literary.. simple words can express so well if you have the feeling and you can express in a flow..

pusillanimity bhanya chai k ho...i am looking forward to some very good answers..n i know i could have googled....sarah palin ta hoina hola hai


good read

posted twice

Well, to each his own. But yes, the choice of words refrained this read from being an absolute page turner. Reminded me more of my GRE days.

Having said that, don't you think it is at least a better read than  'आम्बो, एक रातको ५०,०००'? What is 'आम्बो' anyway? A twisted Nepalese slang?

@Meera: Thank you.

@Uranus: Would you expand on what you mean by esoteric?

Actually my target audience is to a fictional magazine that I am sending this story to. I am just posting on sajha to see what kind of initial feedback that I would get.

I know the story needs polishing and a little more work. I agree with your comment on flow and sentence structure. I myself am not fully satisfied. That definitely could use some work. I got across what I wanted to say, but not with the ease that I wanted to say it.
In many ways, that is what is so nice about sajha. There are many kind people on sajha who give wonderful constructive criticism. Thanks.

@sna: pussilanimity bhaneko cowardice ho. I don't think it has anything to do with Sarah Palin ...but that probably depends on your political stance.

Nicely composed. Enjoyed reading it :)
Yet, pondering how relevant is title with the whole body.

I know Cheaters show in WGN or NBC but what u guys talking here, is it about Nepali cheater program, do they ahve now?

I know Cheaters show in WGN or NBC but what u guys talking here, is it about Nepali cheater program, do they ahve now?

Sanee,

You don't feel the title is appropriate for the story?

Do you have any suggestions for a better title?

@ Homeyji,

Homeyji,

When I mentioned esoteric, I meant the choice of words you used. While I admire your creativity, I am still struggling to come in terms with sentences such as:

"That simple kiss seemed to scream of a vacuum in the universe."

I am not a writer of any sorts, but I did not really understand what it meant. Also, I do not consider myself an ignorant moron, therefore, if your target audience are not just the elite white collar clan members, you might want to reconsider changing the way it is crafted.

Also,

"Beautiful silky hair tossed around her and licked her slightly perspiring face." This sounds effusively cheesy.

If I were you, I'd have written,

"Her beautiful black hair fell loose on her shoulders, with few strands brushing against the saline sweat that trickled down her cheeks."

Also, pusillanimity was not apt in that sentence, it would have made a lot more sense if it were inside quotes; it could have then delivered the intended meaning.

Writing is a difficult task and it becomes more difficult when someone with a fresh pair of eyes scrutinizes it.

 I could never write like you, it is just my two cents as a critique.

 

 

Uranus,

Love this sentence:
"Her beautiful black hair fell loose on her shoulders, with few strands brushing against the saline sweat that trickled down her cheeks."

All the parts of the story in italics is "Roshan's writing, not mine..." if you know what I mean. "Roshan" wrote it when he was a love-sick college kid. And in that way I tried to keep that writing somewhat rough. It was a tough call for me. On one hand I want the story and the writing to sound right. At the same time I wanted Roshan's writing to sound amateur. I didn't know how to strike that subtle balance.

Any suggestions?

 

Black Panther,

As they say in Nepali: तपाईं को मुख मा दुध भात्! As in, maybe in many many years from now I might be somewhere in the ball park of being as good as J.K Rowling. But thanks for the compliment.

I'm sending the story to a few online magazines. Which ever one will publish, I'll post the link in this forum.

Dear Homeyji,
Title itself is strong enough to entice readers to click on this thread, and beginning of the story is strong enough to hook readers to read more. Overall composition is so nice that one who loves to read this sort of fiction won't lose his/her concentration without reading whole body, that's what I did.
But after reading entire text, I got baffled.
Why does the author think that Roshan (main character of the story) is a cheater? I'm not convinced with title. Sorry to say this but your story does not have any strong reason to call him cheater. Do you mean the main character "Roshan" is cheating with his wife "Sangita" or his ex beloved "Prerna" or himself?
I'm sorry I can't suggest you any optional title as I think its an author's responsibility to label his writing with suitable one.
BTW, I like this story. Good one :)

Dear Sanee,

I am glad that the story appealed to you.

You asked:
Do you mean the main character "Roshan" is cheating with his wife "Sangita" or his ex beloved "Prerna" or himself?

I feel so. Don't you? Any husband who, while with his wife, has his eyes shut...thinking of being with another woman is surely a cheater of some sort. No?

Homeyji, you many not agree with my point of view but I don't think Roshan is cheating his wife here. I think he has rights to imagine. In fact that "another" woman is his ex-beloved whom he loved solely. It was his fate that he couldn't make such love with her. Moreover, he is not cheating his wife physically.

Sanee,

I was thinking that most women would prefer to have a husband in body, mind and spirit. If they didn't have a husband in all those terms, they would feel cheated...I thought. Perhaps I am wrong.

But I agree with you, in the strict application of the word cheated, meaning sexually deviant, Roshan did not cheat.  

Homeyji,

In this story, you are a narrator and Roshan a protagonist; therefore it is you who is writing the story, not Roshan. Even if it were Roshan, I would have strongly encouraged sticking to conventional write-up except when exchanging a dialogue. A narrator, in both cases, ensures that the words are carefully chosen and sentences well structured.

I understand to some extent that you were trying to depict the crass amateurism of Roshan by the way he speaks, but this could be written in conjunction of a justification. For example:

 “ OOii Sudha, where is my cigarette, I haven’t ‘drank’ a single one today” Roshan yelled from the window in his usual pastoral dialect, calling the act of smoking a ‘drinking’, as most people in rural Nepal do.

The sentence inside quotes is a dialogue and the one outside a justification. Were you asking for something else? My apologies if I misconstrued.