How much do the qualities of a mom and a wife make a difference in a family?

It is interesting that Nepal is a man dominated society. But at the same time we say that it is the woman that makes a home.
We say that it is the good qualities or the bad qualities of the women in the household that makes or breaks a home. So how can it be that we are a male dominated society, if we attribute so much power to the women in making or breaking a home?

Do women really have that much power to set the atmosphere of a home? Is a good woman that valuable?

It is interesting that if a family goes downhill, the men don't get blamed. It is the women that get blamed for the children being ruined. So though men have the power in Nepali society, it is the women we hold responsible when things go wrong in the family.

This is quite an intriguing question and you've raised quite a valid point. I reckon it all depends on how accepting and open a man is to let a woman flaunt her skills. 

There are plenty of talented women who've been stuck as mere housewives - not that housekeeping is an easy task but they're far better off service the purposes of their lives as working women in various fields - Medical, Corporate, Social works etc. But then this also involves her man's ego, and her own ambitions. If a woman is really determined and ambitious, she'd try her best to get to know her man better before tying the knot. 

In my own case, my mom was drove us forward. Not that my dad slacked or anything but she was always determined, hard-working, able and willing to take initiatives etc. Needless to say, she took a majority of household decisions and is the reason why we're where are financially.

So a good woman is definitely invaluable that one can't describe in words. 

Footyfan,

First of all I take umbrage at you disrespecting the position of 'home economists' also known as 'house wives.' There is nothing 'mere' about being a house wife. Many of the women in my life and family that I have the greatest respect for have been 'home economists' AKA 'house wives.' There is nothing 'mere' about being a 'home economist.' So please, next time you use the word 'house wife' say it with a lot more respect.
And they weren't 'stuck' in it the way you have put it. They chose it as their duty the way you chose your career. Who are you to be arrogant enough to limit another woman's career choice if what she chooses to be is a 'home economist' AKA a 'house wife'?

Having said the above, I think you bring up a very valid point. The sacrifices of women are not given enough acknowledgement in our society. We have taken it for granted, expecting women to give their best, without giving them enough credit for their contribution to Nepali society.
 
You are fortunate that you had a mother that you could look up to who served as a great example. I am happy for you.

Talk about someone completely missing the point.... 

If Malvika Subba got married and was confined into being a "home economist", I'd see her life as a failure. Same could be said about Rama Singh or (insert any leading women here). 

I had no intention of disrespecting housewives and I clearly stated that it isn't an easy task. But if a woman has attributes to excel in her life, be it as a Banker, a social worker or in any other way, she'd feel that working as a "home economist" isn't fulfilling. 

Take the example of a sand collector, or a tea gardener, by no means they're easy tasks (yeah I know, taking care of home is more meaningful) but if they could serve the purposes of life in a better manner, they shouldn't be satisfied with their jobs. 

I believe in equality. Personally, I see myself as the bread winner but no way I'd want my wife to be a "home economist" only, not because of financial reasons but simply because I'd want her to feel satisfied with her accomplishments, have some personal goals, meeting which, we could cherish the moments. 

Footyfan,

I think I missed your point a second time around also. Perhaps it's because I'm slow. Maybe my mother didn't raise me as well as your mother raised you.

I still don't understand what you are saying. Who do my great-grandmother, my grandmother, my aunts and all the rest of the women in my family need to prove themselves to before they can feel satisfied that their life was successful as 'house wives' aka home economists?

I am just trying to figure out from where it is that you get the arrogace to tell the members of my family that they should not have been fulfilled with the lives they led.

Homeyji, 

You're going around in circles and I don't really wish to continue this discussion anymore. You come across as a "women should only be confined to doing domestic chores" type while I'm more of a liberal type. 

Like I've aforementioned several times, doing household chores isn't an easy task and I didn't intend to imply that a wife shouldn't be satisfied by leading the life of a housewife but rather, if a woman has qualities to perform her roles in a bigger, wider picture, she should pursue it. 

I don't know where you got this idea of "my mother didn't raise me as well as yours did". Please stop putting words into my mouth. I never hinted anything remotely close to that. 

Imagine Mother Teresa, Anuradha Koirala and Malvika Subba leading the lives as "home economists". The world wouldn't be the same if they were to do it. 

Again, I've already stated my wish - If my wife were talented and skilled, I'd be disappointed if her role in "our" lives were limited to her cooking delicious meals, doing laundary, taking care of kids and doing grocery. Housewife is a thankless job that requires a lot of discipline and dedication but if she had traits to serve her life in a more meaningful purpose, I'd highly encourage her to do it and I'd feel really happy about it. 

Have a nice day. 

I want to comment so badly.

Footyfan,

There are women in my family who chose to express themselves as business women, principals of schools, social workers, doctors, engineers, lawyers, etc. And there are women in my family who chose to express themselves as housewives and home economists.
Unlike you, I see both of them on an equal footing. Unlike you, I don't see one choice as being less than another. So don't tell me that you believe in equality. I have the highest respect for both groups of women in my life, unlike you.

 Gee man. Where did I imply that I don't respect housewives? Stop putting words into my mouth man. And you must have a lot of women in your family - doctors, engineers, Principals, businesswomen, social workers 

Ha ha ha . Now we're talking!

" I've already stated my wish - If my wife were talented and skilled, I'd be disappointed if her role in "our" lives were limited to her cooking delicious meals, doing laundary, taking care of kids and doing grocery"

--- This is kind of an oxymoron to me. I think one has to be talented and skilled to make delicious meals, taking care of kids and doing grocery. Maybe you haven't watched super couponing ;). Besides, any parent plays a very important role not only taking care of the kids but also nurturing them intellectually. So while it may be true that independent woman might be implied as being someone who goes beyond the realm of the household, but I have immense respect for anyone that instead decides to stay home and make use of their skill sets on their own kids.

Furthermore, Woman plays a more critical role for the simple reason that "biologically" they are wired to be more sympathetic, compassionate, and caregivers since cavemen days. And when it comes to organization, women are hands down a better choice.The whole animal kingdom has evolved on this principle. So, it is not a surprise that they are the focal point of make/break family.

My 1 cent. (The other cent I am saving to be a "home economist") :)

Pulsar Beats,

I love you dude! You said it so well!

A male dominant society always has a higher number of housewives. Although I respect personal choice, I cannot understand why a woman of 21^st century would decide to become a housewife. In doing so, she compromises her freedom, mainly financial thus making herself venerable to abuse from her spouse. A working woman is an emancipated one. She can decide to move on and leave her disrespecting and abusive husband behind. Ever wondered why societies where women work and can earn their living have higher divorce rates? And why is this trend in rise even in a backward society like in Nepal?

In my opinion, a woman should do all she can to put herself in a better and a stronger situation.
 

Raising children, cooking and cleaning houses are no more just women’s chores. If a male cooking chef can cook to make a living, he can do the same to feed his family. If a janitor can clean buildings, he can clean his house as well. And children need their dad as much as their mom. Just because in Nepal, fathers never spend time with their kids except to scold them does not make them good dads. Neither does cooking, cleaning and raising kids make any mom a liberated woman.

Maha-Sakti,

You make some great points. Please tell us more.

 You echoed my sentiments, maha-sakti. 

I am with those who think being a house-wife or homemaker or whatever else they are called these days, requires balls – if you’ll pardon the expression. In this day and age, with so many other opportunities available, not many women want to or can afford to stay home to raise kids and run a household. Those who make the choice to do so deserve the respect, appreciation and support of the rest of the family. As do those who chose  not to stay at home. I do not look down on a woman just because she chooses to stay at home nor do  I look up at a women just because she chooses a professional career over being a house-wife.
 

“how can it be that we are a male dominated society, if we attribute so much power to the women in making or breaking a home?”

Homey Ji, I think you and I might have talked about this in another thread at another time, but I have never bought into the assertion that Nepal is entirely a male-dominated society. Power is shared much more evenly between men and women than some people, particularly activists and hardcore feminists, make out to be. The way a traditional family has worked, the man is the bread winner who brings home his earnings to his wife or mother depending on the type of household (nuclear or joint), and it is the women in the form of the wife or mother who controls the purse strings and makes major financial and social decisions in the family. More so in a joint-family where the mother wields far more power than all men in the family combined I dare say.

In the modern family, the role of women is even more central and powerful because she manages the house, in some cases with help from her husband, and she contributes financially to the budget often playing a far more crucial and balanced role than the man.

The situation also varies by family and socio-economic status et. It is true that in some parts of the country, and indeed the world, women do not have the same choices as men and the reason for denying them education and jobs is solely based on their gender. That is terrible and must stop. Kudos to those who are trying to change that. But if you look at families such as mine, and perhaps yours, where there are few if no restrictions on anyone and any restrictions apply equally to men and women (e.g thou shalt not cheat, lie, murder, steal or kick thy neighbor’s pesky dog), any women who tells me she feels discriminated against because of her gender is either badly hungover from the previous night's party or hatching a manipulative scheme to get something out of her husband or father by playing the gender/victim card. Nice try but I am not falling for it.

Maha Sakti

I cant speak for all of them but speaking for myself, yes, I think it takes a lot of courage for a man to become a stay-at-home dad. As someone said, "men who change diapers, change the world". That is their choice and I have no conflict with it.

That said, I think it is perfectly normal for a woman to stay home too and take care of her kids and family, if that is what she chooses to do. I don't have a problem with it at all and I certainly don't see it as a waste of her time. Educated and empowered parents who are involved with their children's lives will raise empowered kids and contribute to society in that way. Having a 9-5 job and earning  a salary is not the only way to contribute to the next generation or to society.

I agree with you Vivant. People make their own choices and I respect it. I was just giving my overall opinion about housewives and how it enslaves women in a male dominant society like ours. What might start out as a choice to raise kids and be involved in their upbrining might turn a woman venurable to insecurity and abuse from her husband.

Great discussion, guys. Vivant it's wonderful to hear from you.

I want to echo on one of the points that Pulsar Beats made. I think that we are so busy highlighting, fighting for and just going nuts over the importance of establishing the 'equality' between men and women that we have completely lost touch with how they are different. I think this is soooo unfortunate.

I don't know if I can begin to start from where to make my point. But let me try to give an analogy:

If we lived in a world where the different kinds of fruits felt threatened with who they individually were, wouldn't that be unfortunate?

In other words, imagine if an apple felt threatened and felt like he was second best because he was not more like a banana. Or imagine if an orange felt like he did not have the right to be proud because he was not as purple as the grape. Or the grapefruit could not be satisfied with itself because it did not have the flavor of the guava.

If all the fruits in the world engaged in politics and fought for equality, wouldn't it all kind of come out a little bland and tasteless, don't you think? Wouldn't that be kind of unfortunate for the rest of us. Don't you think?

I see the same thing with men and women. We, in the world, have been so freaking busy fighting for the equality between men and women that showing how they are both as good enough as the other in the same criterias....that I think we have really missed the point in highlighting how they are different.

I don't know if I can state my point better but this topic hurts me at a personal level somewhere.