Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. 
  
His doctor says,  "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."     
  
Paddy asks,  "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"                                                           
  
  The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.   
  
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

this one is dedicated to ramprasadji but my unicode typing sucks bear with it hai

la auta mero tarfa bata pani

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

here is another one

 

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."  
 
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."  
 
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."  
 
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." 

this one is good as well

 

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”

Q: How do you make a nun pregnant?

ha ha nice one

Kaale was waiting for cab at durbar marg...and spots a hot gal standing beside him on a short mini skirt....wind blows real hard and lifts the skirt ...she aint wearin any underwear..so kaale gets a glimpse of her crotches....and he ask the gal..." DD DD tyo ke ho??....shy and surprised she replies" Tyo mero buda le bancharo le haaneko"....Kaale " kya khatra accuracy rahecha thyakkai puttty mai haanecha"..

Time to fire the secretary?  

It was John's 40th bday and a slow morning for him. He managed to pull himself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping his wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for him. As it turned out, she barely noticed him, let alone "Happy Birthday." He thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

The kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word. So John felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As he walked into office, his secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. He worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me."  He said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

They went to lunch but not where they'd normally go. Instead she took him to a quiet bistro with a private table. They had a couple of mixed drinks and enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" He replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's nearby."

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to him and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok."  he nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...

Followed by hiw wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And John just sat there... on the couch

 

 ........ Naked.

ल म पनि एउटा भन्दिउ न त :

एकादेशमा दिदी र फुचे भाई रहेछन, उनिहरुको बगैचा रहेछ टन्नै आप फलेको रहेछ, एक दिन दिदी भाई आप टिप्न गएछन, दिदी रुखमा चढिछ अनी भाई चै रुख्को तल बसेछ। माथि रुख्मा हेर्दा भाईले दिदिको "पुतली" देखेछ। अनी:

भाई: दिदी दिदी त्यहा के भएको तपाईंको?
दिदी: थाहा छैन, नकरा
भाई: भन्नुन दिदी त्यहा के भएको?
दिदी: थाहा छैन नकरा भनेको सुन्दैनस?
भाई: भन्नु न के भन्नु न के भएको त्यहा?
दिदी: बन्चरोले काटेको
भाई: आम्बो, कस्तो ठ्याक्कै "पुतली" मै बन्चरोले कटेको त दिदी तपाईंको :)

here is one for today

A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year! You could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and that sign states: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, big time."

They proceed to the last bull and his sign reads: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open as she gasps, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one!"

The man now irritated, turns to his wife and says, "Yeah, okay. Go on up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same damn cow. "

Made my day :)
Good ones guys...

kaale went to a neighbors daughters wedding....the bride sees kaale and flashes her boobs at him....and furiously kaale pulls out his weiner...mean while brides dad catches kaale doin his act..and asks him...Kaale tyo ke gareko....and kaale relpies" pahile tapai ko chori lai sodhnu kina usle malai usko poka dekhayeko....dad goes up and  ask the bride and bride explains" maile ta babu jaa dudh kinera liyera aaija bhaneko buwa"....dad went down and confronts kaale " usle ta talai dudh kinera lyaija po bhaneko rahecha taile kina tero DOLA dekhako".....kaale replies" maile pani ta change paisa le KERA lyau bhanera sodheko"....

hahaha ...oaksgang very funny

Here is one for today

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore.
So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey.
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away.
Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles.
She smiles at him and says, "I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
"Anything?" he says, getting fairly excited.
"Yes, anything." she replies.
So he says, "Will you hold the donkey please?"

another kaale jokes...

Kaale was sittin with his Grand dad watchin football on TV...Kaale asks grand dad" Hajur Baa.. ma kasari janmeko?? Hajur Ba :  Tero baba ani mommy America gayethiyo honeymoon ko laagi ani khelda kheldai janmis...

Kaaale: ani bhai chahi?

Hajur ba: Tero baba ra mommy japan gaathyo ghumna lai ..khelda kheldi janmyo..

kaale: ani baba kasari janmeko??

Hajur ba: Ma ani tero hajur aama switzerland gaako thyo honey moon ko laagi..khelda kheldai janmyo..

Kaale: Kasto achamma baa..tyo bela ma [Disallowed String for - bad words]y bhanne hudaina thyo hajur baa??

one for the day

 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Here goes another one

one for the day

 

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

here is what i have for today

On her 70th birthday, an old spinnster decides it's time to finnaly get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:

" Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"

The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.

She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?" 

The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live
right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all
the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.
The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved
him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and
went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he
was very happy. One day he asked God where his brother was, as he
hadn't seen him there. God said that He was sorry but his brother lived
a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked
God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him
the power of vision to see into Hell, and there was his brother. He was
sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous
blonde on the other. Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so
happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here,
and I love it. But I don't understand. If my brother was bad enough to
go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It
hardly seems like a punishment." God said to him, "Things are not
always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde
doesn't."