hey,

Chicksrock,

I understand how you feel. I feel very similarily about my parents too. My story is different than yours. But the emotion you feel, I feel also. I too have felt neglected by my parents. But it is a lot more than that. We come from a culture where parents are considered worshippable. So for a lot of Nepali guys and girls, the fact that you are talking about your parents in this way, it is inconceivable to them.

As a society we are not encouraged to discuss having abusive or neglectful parents. It is scary to many Nepalese to hear such things. They will try to shut you up and tell you to move on. Anything that does not have an easy solution to, in Nepal, they will try to just shut you up and tell you to move on. As a culture we are not taught how to deal with painful emotions.

But guys like you and I know how difficult it is to move on from things like this. It is very challenging and painful trying to understand our individual stories from a Nepali cultural context.

That is why, despite needing to maintain my privacy, I posted my story online in sajha out of a sheer feeling of desperation. Perhaps you are feeling a similar feeling of desperation. That is why you have come here in this public forum and are asking for people to be understanding of you.

I did a similar thing by posting this thread. I shared how I felt neglected and abandoned:

http://www.sajha.com/sajha/html/openthread.cfm?StartRow=1&PageNum=1&forum=2&threadid=84713

I have gone to psychological counseling and this has helped me a lot. But despite this I still need a lot of help. You might want to think about going for psychological counseling also. Otherwise when you have your own family a lot of your drama from the past will come back to haunt you.
But don't expect a lot of support from the Nepali community about this. There is a very negative stigma to psychological counseling in the Nepali community. Many people do not understand how this is helpful.

For me, I eventually found out that my mother fits the profile of a sociopath. For many Nepalese, this is inconceivable to call your mother a sociopath. But when I read the description below to my siblings, they were shocked as to how much the below descriptions fits our mother. Sometimes it is more difficult to face facts about the harsh realities of who are parents are than to have a romantic and wishful ideal about our parents. We all want to worship our parents. I want to worship mine. But that doesn't mean that all of our parents are worthy of worship. Most Nepalese will never understand this simple thing.

http://www.youmeworks.com/sociopaths.html

http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

 

Thank u Nayajivan 

terobaaje thank u for writing

Chicksrock,

Read my story above. Read the two links that I posted on sociopaths. How much can you relate to my story?

Maybe no one else will understand what we are going through. But at least we can give each other support.

ya bro i read all of it......the 2 links and am grateful

Maybe you can do what I did. Email those two links to your siblings. Just ask them to read it. Don't tell them that you think this is your mother. And see what they say.

Since you read my below story, do you have any advice for me?
http://www.sajha.com/sajha/html/openthread.cfm?StartRow=1&PageNum=1&forum=2&threadid=84713

you know when u try to impress people and make them love u and no matter how hard u try they don't it takes a toll on  u....so i from today will stop taking shit from n try n impress anybody or do things for others tht i feel like not doing.....as for my suggestion u do the same.......U live life for u and go away from anything tht hurts u...believe me i am trying as hard it is...it not impossible so let's face it now...n this is our breaking point ..if we go thru this then i guess we will be fine.....but we really need to go thru this

you know when u try to impress people and make them love u and no matter how hard u try they don't it takes a toll on  u....so i from today will stop taking shit from n try n impress anybody or do things for others tht i feel like not doing.....as for my suggestion u do the same.......U live life for u and go away from anything tht hurts u...believe me i am trying as hard it is...it not impossible so let's face it now...n this is our breaking point ..if we go thru this then i guess we will be fine.....but we really need to go thru this

ChicksRock,

It sounds like your mother is blackmailing you. You are sending money and all that so that you can buy affection from her. And your mother, she knows your weakness. She knows how much you need her affection and attention. She knows how much you need to heal your broken soul. And it seems that the more you are feeling desperate for her affection and attention, the more she can use that to get what she wants out of you. Basically she is saying that unless you give her what she wants--money, she will not give you the time and attention that you are seeking from her.

It's been few mths i have stopped doin tht...n have made clear tht i dont need her in my life...sometimes when u r alone n when u r wid other people the talk to u abt their mom how they miss them how their mom wld be their when they were sick make me miss her...but i have come to terms tht tht wont be a case for me.....so i have learn to live with it. 

Chicksrock,

We can intellectually understand these things, but emotionally it is still very difficult to cope with. I find myself asking, "Why me? Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?" And in many ways, the modern world cannot provide answers to questions like that.

I have turned to religion. I started reading the Bhagavad-gita. And believing in karma helped me a lot. I don't feel I have done anything in this lifetime to deserve the parents and the treatment that I got. But perhaps I am suffering in this lifetime for the actions of my last.

I'm not sure if looking into religion is an option in your life. But it has helped me.

i am a religious person myself and i believe in Lord ganesh a lot........i know its difficult emotionally when u want as important person as ur mother be with u...the kind of questions we ask emotionally has no answers.....i always ask tht to myself....but ya goin to temple provides the peace of mind.. n meditation helps a lot......

Chicksrock,

I wish more Nepalese understood that it is possible for us to have abusive parents. I feel that more Nepalese need to understand that not all parents are equally worshippable. This way, as a society we would be more sensitive to child abuse. And also we would be more willing to look for ways to prevent the kinds of things that you and I have gone through while living in Nepali society.

But in many ways in Nepal, people feel that as long as you have money then all the problems in life can be solved. But both you and I come from well to do families. And money is not the problem. But since in Nepal there is little concept of problems that arise from other things like money, very few people understand what people like me and you talk about in relation to our parents.

nayajivan,

Never say 'never' brother. See, like you came to this forum. And I understood. So now many other brothers and sisters on sajha.com are also reading this conversation. Some will come out understanding a little more about the situation. This is how society gets educated. If you never came to sajha and I never spoke up, then there would be no understanding. So like this slowly, we all come to understand problems and issues that we have not personally experienced. So I think there is hope.

But you are right. It is a lonely path.

I hope people understand and have a open mind abt the kind of problems other people can have....n most importantly abt parents coz for most parents protect ,love , nurture and sacrifice but for people like me its the other way round .....

muj! Chilayo Dai , so good to see this attitude of urs

Chicksrock,

One thing you may have known by now "You are not alone". This very person writing now is also in the same boat. The only difference is that you found out early but this "dai" found out much later in his life when he left everything behind and sacrificed much better life for his family especially for his parents just to found out that he is the extra one amongst other siblings.  

Anyway, I am in a process of building my life once again. It is bit difficult but not impossible.

My advice would be like someone suggested earlier in the post "stop sending money" regularly. If I were in your place I would not send money regularly. Send only when there is a medical emergency. The money you guys earn working very hard is spent by our family members in Bhatbhateni and other shopping malls to buy luxury items. They just know converting dollars into rupees. Sending money does not turn her around. The only time she will need you is when others start turning away when she needs someone.

Secondly, this is what I am doing. Leave everything behind and concentrate on your success on whatever you are doing or pursuing to do . Once you are successful everybody will come after you. Just by sending hard earned money does not make you a good son or a daughter. As I said earlier parents (and other family members) think you are sending excess money to them but do not understand or try to understand how hard it is to earn a dollar.

Be strong and don't look back. Love to those who love you. Ignore those who ignore you.

Good Luck 

I think that this is one of the great benefits that sajha provides for us Nepalese. It allows us to talk frankly about things like this. It is helpful to know that we are not alone in going through difficult circumstances. It feels good to know that there are many other people in the same boat.

Especially living in foreign countries we can get isolated. And we think, "Oh all other Nepalese are enjoying life and I am the only one suffering." We come to discuss and we found out that other brothers and sisters are struggling with their circumstances also and that we are not alone. It makes it easier to cope.

Chicksrock, just see how many people are here to support you and understand you. You may not have a mother who loves you. But look and see how many brothers and sisters you have that care for you in the posts above.

Frankly speaking it is quite sickening to see parents show preferences among their kids.
I see it with my wife's family. My wife always felt like she was loved less than her siblings. She is second of three kids and apparently when she was young, her older sister and she would talk about how their mom used to prefer their younger sister. On the other hand she and her younger sister would notice how their dad would prefer the older sister. However when my wife feels like she is less loved than her sisters from her parents and mentions it to them, they all deny and accuse her of making things up. It disgusts me to see how they can deny the fact when apparently they would agree on on each one being the favorite of their parents. My wife loves her parents crazily. When we go shopping, she always wants to bring something little for her parents, something her parents always loved for example, a special kid of candy, or a small make up for her mom etc. To me it is quite clear that she is always thinking and caring about her parents more than her sister. But still she gets this shitty treatment. It seems like she suffered for this when she was younger and she continues to suffer from it.
On the other hand, I myself have been on the other side of the problem. My brother would always complain and sometimes even cry saying how he was not loved as much as I was by our parents. This used to hurt me a lot. Even though I used to tell him that it was not true just to change his mind, I would on other side tell my parents how it was not fair for him, and why they keep doing it. Sometimes I would even get really upset at my parents for not seeing and recognizing their actions.
For me this is as issue quite close to heart and I try to feel and understand those who have become victims of such problems.
Some people are not meant to be parents. And not all parents are good. This is one fact we nepalese have hard time admitting.