Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. 
  
His doctor says,  "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."     
  
Paddy asks,  "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"                                                           
  
  The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.   
  
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

hahaahha......lol

A beautiful Madam was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked, "Boy. What is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!"

Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the 4th grade."

Madam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and boy both agreed.

Madam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"?
Boy, after a moment "Legs."

Madam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut

Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum

Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands

Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it, u have to use urhand.
Boy.: Fork

Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't have his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME.

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to MIT!, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!".

its nothing like a rated joke, but a good one...

 

The two thousand member church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
     
      One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
     
      The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
     
      Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
     
      After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
     
      The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. “What happened to you?” asked Bill. “Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.” “My God, what did you tell them?” asks Clinton. The driver replies, “I m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

Yesterday, University scientists in the UK released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should now take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory,

100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.

2) Talked excessively without making sense.

3) Became overly emotional.

4) Couldn't drive.

5) Failed to think rationally.

6) Argued over nothing.

7) Had to sit down while urinating.

8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.

dhilai bhaye pani, aaja ko quota ta pura garnai paryo  

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned in a happy mood.

So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said, "Yes."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my home  phone number..."

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man! I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaned, "I need a bike! I need a bike!"

The teacher decided that in science class, she would teach her students about different materials. Standing at the front of the class, she asked, "Children, if you were able to have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Raising his hand, little Timmy said, "I would choose gold. It's worth lots of money and I could by a Porche."

Next, little Lois raised her hand and said, "I would want platinum because it's worth more than gold and I could by a Corvette."

"Very good, both of you," said the teacher. "Johnny, what would you want?"

Little Johnny stood up and said, "Oh, I would want silicon."

"Why would you want silicon, Johnny?" asked the teacher.

"Heck, my mom has two bags of it and you wouldn't believe all the sports cars outside our house!" he replied.

one for the day

Two old biddies were talking about thier sex lives with thier husbands since moving to a nursing home. they both agreed that life was great  but Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died.

Elizabeth said that her sex life was great. She said , "The secret to great sex is , when my husband is getting ready for bed, i get undressed , lie on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that, he gets so excited so that we have wild sex all over the night. "

Ethel also thought of giving it a try and that night she took off her all clothes, and although it was a struggle, she was able to put her both legs behind her head, one by one, and she falls backwards and cant move .

Its not too long before Harold comes out of the bathroom and with a shocked look on his face , says " For god's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put on your teeth in , you look like an asshole."

Here's my first joke for this thread..

One day little johny ask his mom her age, his mom said, gentleman dont ask such question...

The other day, johny again ask his mom what is her weight, his mom replies gentleman dont as such question...

Than johny ask her why did dad left her, she got angry and said quit asking such questions..

One day Johny's mom drop her license from her wallet and little Johny found it and examined it and said hey mom you're 36 years old, you weigh 136 pound and dad left you because you got F in sex.......

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was gourgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,and whispers: "iron!"

enjoy

Little Suzy raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies.

"So what about my mother?" asked Little Suzy. The teacher said that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be having babies as well.

"Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to know.

"Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young."

"See!" yelled Little Johnny from the back of the classroom, "I told you YOU didn't have anything to worry about!"

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development.

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks.

It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day -

Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."

Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory.

My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."

Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks:
"Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."

As planned, all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.

Little Johnny says, "Hey relax...sluts, it hasn't opened yet!"

 

Mother knows best?...

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something get hard, so I ran."

 

LOL.. the only reason i open sajha.com.. is for this thread>>> whoever opened it.. Opened the Right Stuff..

 

                                

WHY AM I MARRIED? You have choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. __________ At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.' __________ A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' __________ When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. __________ A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished . __________ A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.' __________ A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.' __________ Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.' __________ Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. __________ If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep. __________ Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. __________ First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' __________ 'A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death' __________ AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!! Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.' The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

One for the day, enjoy  guys

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game withfriends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home.One of the player at the table was really mad and yelled ,"Hey kid, Jerk off ". At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to jerk off.

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

good one walkahead bro, here is one for the day

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.” While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, “You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.” This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."