PREVIOUS THREAD AVAILABLE HERE

Coz of the 200 posts per thread limit, i have to continue this thread here. 

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.”

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”

The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”

Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”

Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

 

Sick
Leave  (Not rated)

I urgently
needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take
leave.

 

I thought that
maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off.

 

So I hung
upside-down on the ceiling and

made funny
noises. 

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what the heck was I doing.

I told her that
I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think I was crazy

 and give me a few days off.

 

A few minutes
later the boss came into the office and asked,

 

"What in
the name of the good God

are you
doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said,
"You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of
days."

 

I jumped down
and walked out of the office.

 

When my
co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her,

"And where
do you think you're going?"

 

She said...

"I'm going
home, too.

I can't work in
the dark."

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend –

“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use, should I not return from the Crusade.”

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.

He yells – “Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!”

Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.

After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse. “I just don’t know what to do with you!” he said, shaking his head. We’ve talked about this over and over. We’ve spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again.”

“I know, I know…” acknowledged the wife contritely. “But at least I’m cutting back!”

i really love this thread. Thanks for a good time pass.

thanks SRBRG,  and here is one for the day  

A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with another woman. The man jumps up and says, “Honey, I can explain!”

“As I was coming homefrom the golf course, I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no where to go and hadn’t eaten anything in three days. I felt so sorry for her that I brought her home and gave her something to eat.

While she was eating, I noticed she had no shoes so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t use anymore. Then I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you don’t use anymore.

As she was ready to leave, she turned to me and said, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore?’”

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. 

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

Fk, this one is hilarious;

Heard it but very well narrated. Good job.

thanks furke bro for the really nice posts

One woman to the other, "Why is your husband  so obsessed with fishing?" . To which the woman replies , I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it’s the only time he hears someone tell him, “Wow, that’s a big one!” .

Thanks Kiddo and dhwase for your appreciations !

haha.. this one was really funny...

There you go after long time..

 

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

One more:::::::::::::::::::::SATURDAY AND SUNDAY

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

A redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.

“Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo’self a wife.”

So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married.

But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the chicken again.

“You crazy boy!!” he yelled, “That Becky-Sue’s a fine young gal!”

“I know Paw,” the boy replied, “but her arm gits tired sometimes!”

my contribution for today

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in
bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying
the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets
up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this
guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots
of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed
your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy
is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong,
honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong honey. I love you too!!"



I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately

needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my

gas with the beat of the music.



After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,

and noticed that everybody was staring at me....



Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.



A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the

young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The
farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not
only is the rooster screwin...g the hens but he is screwing the
turkeys,ducks even the cow.

Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster
stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures
circling overhead.

The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"

And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."


Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

mukurdhom.. I have seen that video long time back.. but still when i see this video, i can't stop laughin' .. Ram Cha.. haha.. Thankz SAN for fixing the problem in this thread..