Oprah Winfrey smiled at Shekhar Sapkota and said, "Would you kindly read an excerpt from your novel, please, Shekhar?"

Shekhar smiled back and nodded. He had bookmarked the part of the page that he wanted to read. He took a deep breath,  opened the book, and proceeded to read:

Kedar winced. Unnoticeably. A thin smile curled across under his wispy moustache. It was an impish smile. A smile attempting to hide the discomfort, but failing. Kedar smoothed out his hair. He watched across the room at his younger cousins. They toasted each other in silence as spoonfuls of curry and rice was shoveled into politely arched mouths. Kedar should be sitting with them.

Cousin Hari tilted his wine glass pouring the purplish-red fluid unto his protruded lips. Kedar looked down at the Sprite in his hands. He’d rather be home. Kedar had sat with his cousins in previous get togethors. But not anymore. It was hard enough sitting here sifting his plate of rice, dahl and spinach, on the other side of the living room.

Laughter erupted in the room. The music of boisterous cackles made Kedar look up. He might as well have been in a different country. There was a darkness of shadow in the part of the room he was sitting in. Did he smell bad? Is that why people avoided looking at him for too long? Is that why people quickly excused themselves away after making polite some small talk? Is that why, he wondered, no matter how much he tried to make the conversation last more than just a cursory nod it wouldn’t last more than mist does in the heat of noon?

This is when Kedar’s right hand would flicker up to his temple and wipe away beads of sweat that weren’t there. His mouth felt empty when it wasn’t chewing full of food. He didn’t want other people to catch whatever disease he had caught. A wave of feeling of emptiness punched Kedar in the stomach.

Kedar couldn’t blame how they were all treating him. He shrugged. Maybe if he had their careers and had finished school like them, he would be on that side of the white sofa. And which ever poor fool was sitting where he was, he would have been roasting the fella with quiet sarcastic humorous jabs. Kedar wasn't convinced that he would. But he was on this side of the fence. He couldn't help wondering how his life would be different if he was tasting the green grass on the other side.

Kedar went through his mental routine. His mental toy box emptied the dominoes of his life that had collapsed one after another that had led him to where he was. He would stack the events of his life over and over. And each time the black dominoes with random white patterns would keep falling in the same sequences. Kedar would experiment with the ‘what-if’ scenarios by re-arranging some dominos. But the bloody dominoes would not miss to hit the sores of his life as they replayed. Finally, he scraped all of them from in front of his eyes and stuffed them back in his toy box. He would play with them later. He knew he had no choice but to.

Kedar shrugged on the inside. He had tried. He thought he had given it everything he had. He promised himself that he would. And he had delivered. And despite that he had failed. It had been his last chance. And this time it had been so public. The entire family had a plaque over their heads, “Kedar is back in college…and this time he is determined to finish.” It had been only his third try. Cousin sisters close to half his age had graduated from college.

Kedar sighed as he tried to suppress a stench that welled up within him at his own disgust. If there was a way to separate himself from himself, he would. He would discard the ugly parts of what he saw in himself. He would surgically remove it. He would find a way to distance himself from the ugliness in him. He had successfully done it in the past. But this time he couldn’t. He was caught red-handed in his own failure. And knowing that made him blush.

A scorned sentence formed within him that asked, “How could it have been.” How was he caught so helplessly in this mess too?

Shekhar paused after reading the excerpt from his novel. The audience on Oprah's show came alive and clapped. Once the clapping died down, Oprah spoke up. Oprah said, "I found your book to be absolutely fascinating. I have experienced discrimination and such in the United States. But I really appreciated you taking me into the Nepali culture and what it is like from that angle. Now, would someone who had difficulty in college really be viewed in this way?"

Shekhar: Yes Oprah. In Nepal they have very little mercy for those who trip up educationally. Life is already challenging for those who are normal. It is survival of the fittest and resources don't always extend to the abnormal. 

Oprah: But the fact that you had a learning disability, wouldn't that mean anything?

Shekhar: Recently there have been a few movies that have come out of Bollywood like Tari Zameen Par, done by an Indian actor named Imran Khan. He talks about this notion of learning disability. But learning disability is still a new notion in a society like ours in Nepal.  You either make it educationally or otherwise you don't.

Oprah: So what you're saying is that as a culture there is little to no acknowledgement about the condition that you suffer from.

Shekhar: Yes that's right.

Oprah: How does that make you feel?

Shekhar: I feel bad. My parents brought me to America at a young age. I had a lot of identity issues. And I wanted to be accepted at least by my relatives and other Nepalese. Naturally, because I tripped up educationally I was rejected on that front. It doesn't make me feel good. I don't feel completely at home in America because my heart is still Nepali. But I am not accepted in the Nepali community because of my education.

Oprah: So they don't even acknowledge that people can suffer from learning disabilities and such? Life throws us many different things.

Shekhar: Oprah, they don't have the time. If you couldn't become a doctor or an engineer or a professional of some sort, then that is that. They expect you to humbly take a back seat and watch them walk on the red carpet of life.
You have to understand that in Nepal people hide their weaknesses and disabilities. You show strengths that you don't have. Society in Kathmandu runs on deception for that matter. If you talk openly about your issues like you encourage people to do on this show, you would be labeled a fool in Kathmandu.

(audience laughter)

Oprah: But how do social issues get addressed then? Where do people give voice to their issues?

Shekhar: Well, unfortunately, in many ways, they don't. Most of the nation thinks that the root of their issues arise from poverty. Don't get me wrong. There are journalists that go and find stories. But at least I haven't seen that there is an open forum like in the United States where people, especially the middle and upper-middle class that speak about their issues.

Oprah: And that rubs you the wrong way?

Shekhar: Well, it's not so much that. For me, it is the many levels at which I didn't get validation for my story.  I had a lot of identity issues that I was not able to address like many other Nepalis do. That is what hurts me. That is why I wrote my novel.

Oprah: Has that helped you?

Shekhar: I have responsibilities that I need to take care of. And I feel so screwed up. There is very little sympathy for me in the world. I have used up the social credit that I had. Few to any people appreciate the condition that I have. It feels unreal to not only suffer from a condition that so few people understand in my culture, but to have that condition disrupt your whole life. You can neither explain the condition that you have. Nor can you get rid of it. For a while it felt like the only thing I could do is suffer. And the worse part is being judged for being lazy and irresponsible by people who think they know exactly what your struggles are.
What I feel bad about is that the people who put me in this condition have gotten away scott-free. I feel they pushed me in a hole. A hole that few others can see, because it is inside of me. I have struggled for many years to crawl out of this hole.

So writing this novel helped me to put a lot of these thoughts and ideas into perspective. Many of my friends and relatives who had previously not understood my story came to understand it. More than anything, I have gotten a very positive response from readers in both India and Nepal. I feel that something good came out of my suffering and that it wasn't all in vain. At least I was able to educate many people about condition like mine. This is something that anybody's child could suffer from.

Many of the people who judged me yesterday, tomorrow, their child or grand-child could struggle from this condition. So I feel good that me making my story public could help educate many people.

Oprah: I think your story is a source of inspiration for many in this country who struggle with Attention Deficit Disorder. Even in this country we are finally coming to grips with all the forms learning disability can come in. So I can imagine that in your country it must be quite new.

Shekhar: Yes Oprah. I suppose there are always be guinea pigs in every culture who will have to struggle and suffer through conditions before it is acknowledged by others. And when they communicate and document their experiences then many other people come to appreciate it.

For example, I am sure that people had bad eye-sight long before there was a notion or concept of wearing spectacles. And those that didn't have to wear spectacles would make fun of the people that were complaining saying that they see blurry words on paper. The people who didn't have to wear glasses might even think that those that were complaining were telling a lie. But only a person who has to wear glasses knows how it feels when they don't have their glasses.

Oprah: That is so true. I like that analogy. Thank you so much for coming into our show.

As the audience stood up and applaused, Shekhar smiled warmly, thanked Oprah and shook her hand. Shekhar Sapkota raised his hand and waved at the audience. Then he carefully walked off the stage and sat down on one of the chairs on the front row.