How To Satisfy A Woman



HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans,
fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize,
bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console,
purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond,
anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice,
ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain,
charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige,
fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel,
ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse,
fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish,
upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand,
jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse,
resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm,
allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt,
commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle,
snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib,
salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like
a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle,
hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly,
don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle,
squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk,
keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate,
gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold,
blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast,
enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

An Impossible Wish!

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant down-sizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

"The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again."

In Bed With Uncle Fred!


Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" answers a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my god... And what about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?

The Secret of a Long Marriage



A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.

"My husband quietly said, 'That's once.'

"We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.

"Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

"I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

I'll Do Anything!


A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how naughty, for $100 on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'

I'll Do Anything!


A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how naughty, for $100 on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'

oops !!! surrie !!! this joke got posted twice due 2 some problem. I hope u'll forgive me for this. Again surrie !!!

The Pain Of A Father!



A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic!

However, when they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch. Oh, the pain!

Only Six Months To Live



The middle-aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.

The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law."

Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!"

the son-in-law sounds like a sardarji.
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!" re. only a sardarji could reason like that.

I thought you just needed a humongous size.

About satisfying women;
50 years ago women used to say "It is hard to find a good man." But women now say "It is good to find a hard man."

Its impossible to satisfy women.

resamfiriri ji , I praise ur weird effort 2 satisfy a woman, without trying u haven't said da words. Ur words show ur labor n all of my sympathies r with u. U seem 2 b a hundred percet correct but.......

If u du all da things i mentioned above then it not impossible really 2 satisfy a woman of a individual kind. For other kinds u have 2 try through another procedure, (#@%&%$$#@!??*&?!@#@!?^&*$@!~??>*@#&@&%$<>) which can be 2 hard 2 implement .near 2 IMPOSSIBLE.

(Drastavya: Not an action less than above can du it, NAPOLEON wudn't have said Nothing is IMPOSSIBLE in this world, if he had made an effort 2 satisfy a woman)
(Punascha: Resamfiriri ji also please get reference in da story of King Robert and da spider. U'll b encouraged and at da end I can only say Shree Pashupatinath le tapaaiko rakshyaa garun!!! )

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
I must be a god!

Kids in the back seat
-cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat
- cause kids!

Things My Mother Taught Me



My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you!
Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC...

"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP...

"Put your sweater on;
don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX....

"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS...

"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...

"When you get to be my age,
you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...

"One day you'll have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like you....
Then you'll see what it's like!"