My husband is watching porn secretly

If a partner is spending so much time with pornography, whether that's from film, magazines or the Internet, to the degree that it takes greater priority than spending time with their loved one, then the pain isn't only about what they are doing, but how often and how much. The combination of other sexual stimulation with the amount of time he would prefer to engage in that, rather than with you, is a double whammy of pain. So your feelings of abandonment and hurt are, of course, very real to you and these must be dealt with, regardless of whether your relationship survives, and whether your partner addresses his issue with porn.

It must be said that there is research to show that pornography itself is not necessarily harmful to relationships or sex. In fact, sometimes it can be good: as a sexual stimulant, a spark to sexual imagination, to create fantasy dialogue between partners and even sometimes (though not often) as an avenue to sex education. However, that your partner has promised to stop and hasn't would indicate that either he doesn't take your pain very seriously against his own desire to view porn (and view it alone, without you), or that he is addicted and so is truly unable to stop on his own and needs help.

Either way, after having been together for nearly 30 years, it is your decision about whether to fight for this relationship to continue. The effect of his sexual choices is clearly devastating you — your sense of sexiness, your self esteem and your sense of connectedness to your partner. You've indicated that this is serious enough for you that your marriage may very well be over. If it's not and if you want to fight for it, you can initiate some effective communication strategies with him so that you both start to really listen to each other and understand each other's point of view. If this doesn't work, it's time for professional intervention and help. You've stated that your marriage has survived infidelity before. So previously the trust in the relationship has been broken and repaired.

As a start, to see if your husband will fight with you, to save the marriage, try some reflective listening together. This is a communication skill building activity where one partner talks for 10 minutes or so, while the other listens. Then the other partner reflects back what they've heard in their own words and the original partner clarifies. You take turns like this back and forth until you both feel the issue has been heard by both of you and you understand each other's perception. It's not important to agree, it's important that you both feel heard. It's a way of extracting the essence of what you each need to say and have heard and validated by the other. It might be a beginning to have him understand your feelings about his porn watching, and it might be a chance for you to understand his point of view on pornography also. If this activity leads to greater frustration, difference and pain, though, it's a sign that you need a counselor to mediate and filter between you. You may not ever agree on pornography, but you may come to an understanding that allows for each of you to get what you need. Good luck.

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