One of the happiest memories of my childhood is the purple overcoat and pink stockings. They were a gift. I don’t remember who gifted it but I loved them. I used to wear that purple overcoat and pink stockings every chance I got. That memory reminds me how colorful I was. I loved colors you know the bright and loud ones. What the fuck happened? How the hell am I smeared with this grey lifeless dull color and where are all my fire, my red hot energy, my yellow sunshine and my blue and white skies? How could I lose a handful of colors only to be left like this? Maybe I began fading away when I first heard a teacher saying how weird my smile is. That must be so because I remember hesitating smile after that. I had become so self conscious. Or maybe it began when at one of my class picnics, a friend commented on the amount I was eating and exclaimed that no wonder I was fat. Since then, I began to starve myself and take every food based on its calories and not its taste. Hell I didn’t like salad over pizzas or pastas but what choice did I have? I was fat; I couldn’t let that be my identity.


I struggled on building up a new identity and destroying the ones that were assigned to me- fat, ugly, stupid. I fought so hard and it hurt so much but I didn’t stop. I starved myself to lose pounds; I was obsessed with fashion and makeup. When I finally succeeded, I realized with every pound I was shredding I was losing a piece of me. I finally realized I wasn’t fighting with those bullies all this time but instead fighting with myself and I had lost. I blamed them, all those who commented, tortured and judged me on the way I look, the things I eat, the way I speak for turning me into this lifeless painting but I was wrong. It was I who did this to me. I couldn’t stand up for myself, didn’t defend my ways, my choices, and my originality, didn’t stick to it and thus lost it. Yes, I guess the way I look now is fine because bullying and insults stopped but the way I turned to be suffocates me. Now, whenever I see a child with colorful stockings with an imperfect smile and freckles, I see the child I used to be and how I wish she won’t be made a victim by narcissist bitches or judgmental seniors and even if she is victimized, I wish she sticks up for who she is because after all that’s what really matters. I miss the child in purple overcoat and pink stockings. I am trying to be her and guess I am finally recovering.

vivant

never had i enjoyed someone hating me this much. and if it doesn't come off as an "inappropriate" way, i would like to say your every comment makes me smile. and if i could stop writing i would. i promise you i am as tormented as you are. please keep hating me more. :)

I concur with Vivant. Please stop writing ;). And you evoked the jewel, Sankar Lamichane, whom I have only recently discovered.

My only observation makes me wonder if the writer could also find inspiration from some of the childhood experiences. I know it is easy to focus on the negatives based on our society's discretion.

snurp
writing is a compulsion to me so please bear with me :) and thanks to vivant and you that i have come to know about sankar lamichane.

behoove_me
i absolutely agree with you. we all are culpable and some of us both victims and culprits. thanks for sharing your feelings here :)

Like मात्र गरेर केहि लेख्दिन भनेको मनले मानेन ..... अस्तिना कहिले हो Ambrosia ले पनि सुबिन डंगोलको कथा जोडेर bullying को कुरा उठाउनु भएको थियो . यहाँ घरपरिवार , नातागोता, सखा देखिन अन्जान मानिसहरुको केहि न केहि भनाई हुन्छ मेरो या तपाईंको बारेमा र कलिलो दिमागले ति तिखा शब्दहरुलाइ असजिलो हिसाबले ग्रहण गरिहाल्छ ... अनि आफ्नो मौलिक सोंचाई परिवर्तन गर्न खोज्छौं , समाज एवं साथीको साँचोमा आफुलाई ढाल्छौं.. आफू र आफ्नो मौलिक स्वरुपबाट परावर्तित नयाँ छद्द आफू....

राम्रो कुरोको उठान गर्नु भो Evanescence . गहिरो कुरो छ , पहिले देखि देखि आएको तर सबैको आँखाले नदेखेसरी गरिएको कुरो..... सोंच्न बाध्य गरायो एक फेर.... धन्यवाद लेख्नु भएको मा

http://shankarsmriti.blogspot.com/

यहाँ पढ्नु होला शंकर लामिछाने दाइका लेख कृति हरु ...

- थाहा छैन

thaha chaena
thank you for encouraging and appreciating my writing like you always have. ani sankar lamichane jui ko blog ko link post gardinu vayeko ma dherai dherai dhanyabad.

vivant
thank you for sharing that beautiful quote. i will inscribe it in my soul. truly honored. :)

Although it look simple on the surface,your narration is very touchy and you have clearly shown how sheepish we all are : How terribly we aspire to fit in others wild psyche loosing our real self,how we loose a part of ourself day by day just to appease surrounding people and the world,how we melt in the heat of desires and trends,drifting and floating without any self-gravity to hold us.Your brief piece has speak in volumes about the intense wish of every1 to cut all the artificial manacles that we happily bind ourself with.That reminds me of a dialouge from a movie that I forgot presently,which goes:"what's wrong with you is actually the only thing that's right with you".Your writing flows like a water in which every reader wants to dive who are already parched from self and global affairs.Keep writing.

aawara
thank you for all those inspiring words. i am glad my writing could evoke emotions in you and you did the same through your comment. thank you for sharing here :)

evanescence
You're magic :-)

datktmguy
how sweet of you :)