this is a day among many other days that is better than some days and not so bad. if i had to choose among all that styrofoam cutout macro programmed assorted similitudes of life in packets, taken one at a time, i'd choose the one that looked like this more often than not. ppl at home, stuff to do, things to look forward to, maybe a lil conversation maybe some entertainment to fill the boredom and the long stretch and the non existant clock striking the hour with the alarm that doesn't sound but that wakes me up when it rings.
maybe i choose to live in fast forward and eat my words and swallow my sentences and conserve on the effort of things unimportant like speaking and smiling and seeing, the little things like living and breathing preoccupy me ponderously and bore me because there's so little to do that i am always busy. it makes me angry.
there it is again. always constant and slipping around silently below the surface, waiting for the slightest excuse to whip up tear out wake the sleeper crash the gong and drown me in the bathwater, leaving me breathless and exhausted but wanting to bear down on the invisible force holding me back, like pulling in air that holds no oxygen or living in a world full of swallowing carbon monoxide. i don't see i don't look up i just walk because there is nothing to see and nowhere to go but home and just walking brings me there. no fanfare. no homecoming. just a door and light and music and a corner. full of smoke .
they look at me like im some sort of thing and there is no me in me but there is except that they can never see it because they are them and they can never see into me or be me or think like me and i'd hate them if they ever did because this is all thats left that makes me special. my differences are the only thing that set me apart. i make no pretense in being obvious and keep to myself and do what i can to be seen but not be seen and blend in with the surroundings but a sore thumb is a sore thumb unless u end up losing the finger. i'm so sick of you being in my head when you don't represent me.
but i know im in yours too so we're even.
